I'm not sure how well this request for knowledge will be received. The "power posts" made me confident that I was at the right support web site. My wife has been diagnosed by a therapist as codependent. Her father was an alcoholic. I guess he was a pretty rough character. Neither of us use drugs and we rarely drink.
We are, however, in marital counselling and each of us is in individual therapy. I don't want to go into details, but she did some things that nearly killed our marriage. I've admitted from the beginning that I played a role in our problems. We're working on it.
Please help me. I just don't understand codependence at a human level. I've read parts of two books on the topic (one was by Pia Melody, but I can't remember the name). I definately identified controlling behaviour in myself from reading these books. As a couple and as individuals, we have a lot of work to do.
Having read dozens of postings throughout this message board I've come to realize that many of her activities are those of an alcoholic (e.g., large sums of money disappear, lying when telling the truth would have been just as easy, really sneaky and self destructive behaviour). I've been terribly confused by all of this for years. I knew her father was an alcoholic (he died years before we met). I'd never heard of codependence before she started therapy. When I discovered the very worst of her dealings back in February I slipped into deep depression. That made me half crazy. Now I'm on an SSRI and I've calmed down. This morning she was bawling her eyes out because she's in therapy for codependence but I'm "only in therapy for [situational] depression." She says she feels so guilty about sending me into the dumps, the therapy, and the SSRI.
Why is she doing these things to me? Through the Fall and early Winter she was tearing our marriage to shreds and bad mouthing me/us to anyone who would listen. Now she wants to know why I don't have some long standing psychological problem! She says she's sad for causing my depression.
The big holdup now is that she doesn't want to explore her childhood. Her therapy seems to have stalled.
I'm on edge all day and my sleep is broken at night because of bad dreams. Both therapists have expressed real concern for my mental health, mostly because of the lack of sleep. I had to let my boss in on part of it because my output had slowed to a crawl. As luck would have it (well, sort of), he's been on antidepressants for half his life. He's been very understanding.
Several days ago I made up my mind to leave her. Then last night I must have had a dream about us. When I awoke I told myself that I've been letting "the little boy" drive the car. The man must be in charge, and so I'm staying with her. Yes, that's the marital counsellor's language. But I'm calling my own shots.
My wife is a wonderful woman. If you met her you'd never believe that she's capable of some of the things she's done. IF she can learn to control herself, I'll be the happiest man in the world. Unfortunately, that's a big "IF."
Please throw some hope my way. I can tough this out, roll with the punches, whatever you want to call it. But I need someone to tell me that it's worth the attempt. I've lost so much, much more than the money. I can't go through this again in ten more years.
Thanks,
Terry