Cheryl sweetie you need to get a sponsor and start working the steps in order.....starting with step 1. You are putting the cart before the horse.
As Carol said, the steps are written in order for a reason. By the time you get to step 9 you will have forgiven yourself and will be prepared to do your amends whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Now is a GREAT time to get a sponsor Cheryl and to USE YOUR SPONSOR, lol.
Things will become clearer with the help of a sponsor, I Promise.
J M H O
Love and (((((to all))))),