Hi Hope4life,
Thanks for starting this thread.
I havn't started the process of making amends either, and I have no advice. Reading this thread is good for me because I really know about guilt. When I think about the amends process, I have alot of fear about how I might feel when I start going about it.
I didn't quite appologize to my room mate from college, but I came close. In an email, I admitted to him that "it was selfish of me to be such a party animal when we lived together". He didn't reply. I did unspeakable things which affected him in a negative way. He is a straight laced Christian guy. I get very uncomfortable thinking about this.....
I could go on and list a bunch of horrible things I've done to others here. I'm afraid of doing my 4th step because I know I have alot of things which I can feel guilty for.
I'll share a similar story with you...
I had a falling out with a "business partner". I was crazy with drinking, pills and smoking alot of weed. I was also parinoid that he was conspiring against me. His mother was dying of cancer at the time. In a drunken rage, I called and left a horrible message on his answering machine about his mother. I doubt he will ever forgive me, but I am very very sorry. His mother died shortly afterward. I know I really crossed the line, and although I've apologized, I'm not sure I've been forgiven.
I forgive myself. I suffer from the disease of alcoholism, and this was a direct result of my disease. I can't obsess over the past, nor shut the door on it.
I've hurt lots of other people too, but I won't go into detail here. I've hurt people I've loved. I need to find forgivness for myself. Also, I hope in the span of my life, I can do more good than the evil I've done.
The best thing any of us can do is to stay sober. I hope you can forgive yourself, and I hope you can stay sober as well. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for giving me this opportunity to share as well.
chip