Your replies help. It helps even to know I am not alone in my thoughts. It took me a long time to be able to talk openly about my suicidal feelings with anyone but my therapist.
Lilya -- shifting the focus has worked for me sometimes. Getting engaged with something, making a plan. Sometimes it doesn't. But I like the idea of acceptance, of accepting that today I am feeling this negative power, tomorrow is another day.
MorningGlory - you've described a lot of circumstances that fit. Shame is central for me right now. Anger turned inward. And despair about life having no order. It's good to see this written out.
Ranae-- I have a sense that I too will feel this till I die ( hopefully, naturally). It has been such a persistent emotional accompaniment for 4 decades. It's hard to imagine never feeling it again. I have to learn how to manage it.