i have always had those feelings "i wish i weren't alive but i don't want to kill myself right now i just hate living". almost every day i feel and think like that. i have tried killing myself twice, and although have no plans to do this again (at least not any time soon) it is there all the time. after 5 years, years of therapy, countless medications, the bad days aren't quite as bad, but i think that i will always have these feelings untill i do die, no matter how or what or when it happens.