GettingFree,
I can only share my experience. It might not be the same for you. When I think back to the times I felt suicidal there were thought patterns and circumstances that were a part of it.
I'll try to list some of them from memory.
1. Losing a coping method that was outside of myself and that I had no control over. The coping method acted like a bandaid and masked a lot of my pain. When the coping method was gone the pain was intense. Too intense to handle.
2. Shame. I carried a lot of shame. Shame is different than guilt. Guilt tells us our actions are bad. Shame tells us that we are bad. I've struggled with intense shame attacks that made me feel too worthless to live. I could feel my pain and the pain of the world intensely when I was in the middle of a shame attack. What's the use? I'm useless and worthless and life is useless and worthless.
3. Anger. Having anger and turning it in against myself instead of directing where it belongs. Anger becomes shame in a strong way and made me want to self harm.
4. The feeling that life has no order. There is no plan and no purpose for being here. I have nothing to stand on. I'm being tossed around and have no direction. I have no control. I'm at the mercy of my pain and can't fix my pain or the pain of the world. I have nothing to hold onto and I'm in a freefall.
5. Being caught between a rock and a hard place for too long with no visible way out. Needing an escape.
6. Fear. Facing my painful memories and moving into unknown areas. Being terrified of what I might remember and what lies ahead.
7. Inability to feel happy because of past trauma. I am one step above despair and live in contentment most of the time without feeling happy. It doesn't take much to take me down to despair.