...The importance of relating to others... I've been mainly a loner my whole life. The details of the contributing factors don't matter at this point. What does matter is that the older I get, the more I see how much I actually do need other people. I don't mean so much for the workings of this machine we call society. I mean in order to be a person. At the meeting tonight my eyes kept being drawn to the big placard on the desk which says "You Are Not Alone". It means a lot to me -- I'm still learning just how much.
I'm following the advice of my temporary sponsor. I got off the phone with him a little while ago. He says he's proud of me.
I took your suggestion about a notebook and stopped off on the way home tonight to pick one up. I'm using it as a log -- date, time, place and a short personal summary of some things I took away from the meeting.
Something I didn't mention yet was that about three weeks ago I was also pulled over coming home late one night (early morning). The officer thought I was racing and trying to elude him. I wasn't but that doesn't matter. We talked for a bit and he eventually let me walk home.
When he first stopped me, he rushed out of his car, pistol drawn, finger on the trigger and aimed right at my heart. I stood there with my hands up, and I remember thinking "You know, this would just be so easy right now". What do they call that, "suicide by police"? It shook me up. But I guess that only lasted about a week or so. I wish it had shook me up enough that I would have started with AA then, instead of me waiting for the subsequent arrests. Stupid me.
The theme of tonight's meeting seemed to be gratitude. Part of my log entry says "I'm grateful that I wasn't shot, that I didn't hurt anyone or anything, that I didn't hurt myself, that I have a boss who's been so utterly patient with me, and that for the first time in my life, I believe I don't have any denial issues to overcome".
I think its that lack of denial issues that's helping so much at this point. Without that obstacle to overcome, my desire to actually get better is coming through.
Thanks for reading.