Thank you all for the caring responses and perspective. I'm screaming out for help and you guys are embracing me rather than pushing me away. That's not something I'm used to.
Thank you.
I went this morning and I'm glad I did. I have a temporary sponsor and about two dozen other phone numbers. I've got some reading to do and then I'm supposed to call my sponsor later. I'll be going to another meeting later tonight.
If I would have tried this ten years ago I would have had a lot of mental reservations and would have been looking for reasons why I don't belong there. That isn't the case today. I definitely see the commonality and the willingness on everyone's part to be truly supportive. As I said, I'm glad I went and I will be going back again. Ninety meetings in ninety days is what my sponsor set as a goal and I intend to meet that goal.
After the meeting I called my boss to let him know. His reaction was good. I also left a message for my co-worker in addition to some messages for other people. I also called my lawyer and left him a message to let him know.
This is truly voluntary on my part. No one told me to go, no one suggested it, (they even asked if I needed to have something signed for a judge and I didn't). Its truly voluntary on my part, and I think that may make a big difference in my attitude towards the whole thing. I'm not just paying lip service. I'm genuine in my desire.
"Once you start you can't stop -- one is too many and a keg isn't enough". It helps to know that others have experienced the same thing, that it isn't just me who experiences this nightmare. And it is a nightmare.
The concept of an addictive or alcoholic mindset is new me, or rather my awareness and acceptance of it is new to me I guess. I think I'm starting to understand a little better how those thought processes work. I'm starting to realize just how much of my time I've been spending thinking about drinking, whether its the anguish that comes from it, or the self-cons that enable it.
I've quit drinking more times than I can count. I think this may be the first time I've instead decided to start living.
Thank you again for your supportiveness.