Hello
Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is GreenTea. Today I've finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic.
I've been arrested twice in the last week. Once for a DUI and last night for public drunkenness. I have a court date in August and another in September.
I had to post bond for both arrests -- total amount was $3,230 between the two of them. It has wiped out my savings and I don't know how I'm going to pay my July bills. My boss helped me post bond both times, accepting a wire transfer from my bank and even loaning me some money until I could repay him at the ATM machine. Today my co-worker also helped.
I haven't been fired yet, but I'm slowly giving my boss no other choice. I seem to have been on a path of self-destruction since April. I'm very scared.
I'm divorced, no kids and live alone (just me and the cat). My girlfriend moved back to her home State a few months ago. My girlfriend is very supportive and we do miss each other.
I found an AA meeting in my area. I will be joining tomorrow morning. I found this site tonight.
Basically I'm an idiot. I don't know why I've engaged in this destructive behavior, but alcohol is at the center of it. I realize now that I am powerless when it comes to alcohol use. One beer turns to two, two turns to four, and by then who cares anymore?
I'll find an excuse to go out -- see a favorite local band; work has been rough; I feel a need to have people around me -- it doesn't matter, they're all excuses, and I've admitted it to myself.
I read the book "Under The Influence" and it seemed to help for a while. But self-knowledge only carries you so far unless you actually admit you have a problem -- and I do have a problem.
I've pretty much lost all my friends. I have no money. I don't know how to regain the relationships with my boss and co-workers. I'm scared spitless right now. The thought of incarceration and loss of my job shakes me to the core. I've been homeless before (two months prior to joining the military many years ago) and I don't want to repeat that. I won't survive if I'm sent to jail.
Thoughts of suicide have crept into my mind a few months ago, but I think I'm past them now. I guess I've been acting out since then. I've really screwed myself over these past few weeks and I don't know why. I've really screwed myself over and alcohol use is at the center of it. I'm an alcoholic and I see that now. I simply can not drink "normally" and I hope I can salvage my life.
I'm scared.
I'm joining AA tommorow. Afterwards I'm going to email my boss and tell him so. Hopefully he'll see that as effort on my part to stop this behaviour and show improvement. I also have an appointment for an evaluation in a few weeks.
I'm not looking to AA to "escape" what I've done. I'm sincerely hoping it will help me. I'm planning to go to meetings throughout the week in order to help find some support as I try to eliminate alcohol from my life. I hope to find someone I can call and talk to when the craving starts again.
I've been arrested twice in a week.
I'm very scared.
Thank you for letting me share.