after just throwing the biggest fit of my life i think. The worst part is I blew up at one of my dogs
I mean children and dogs are my life. All he did is not mind me to go lay down. It was like I wasn't even sane. Just yelling at him for no reason really. Big deal he didn't lay down. My son, almost 19 came in and looked at me like i'm crazy. But he does know what I am doing, weaning off this stuff. All it took was that look from him and I burst into tears. And who comes immediately to comfort me before my son can get to me??? Yep, my dog
So now I sit here with all 3 dogs sound asleep. I can't sleep right now cause I'm back in that panic feeling again. How can you cry and feel paniced at the same time? I don't really expect an answer. I know it can happen cause it's happening now.
Weird thing about weaning off these is I don't feel even tempted to take more than I'm suppose to right now. I know I can and will get off them. I really do. I am scared about the pain when i'm off but I am trying hard to not dwell on that right now. I"m just feeling like crap right now and made my dog feel bad and my sons are just concerned cause I'm kind of a basket case right now.
When I ended up in the hospital with the pancreatitis it was an eye opening time for me. I don't remember the first 5 days. I wasn't told until 2 days before I got out of the hospital that my folks, in their 60s, were told I might not make it and if I did they didn't know what kind of damage there would be. When I heard that something just clicked. I was devastated because I thought about how I could NEVER handle being told that about one of my boys. They are my pride and joy and all I could think of was how horrible it was that my parents were told that. (My family didn't tell my sons it was that bad. They just were told that pancreatitis does kill people but I was getting very good care) I thought about how selfish I am to get in the position I was in. My children are worth more than that. They deserve to have a mom there when they graduate college. When they get married. When they have children. How selfish I have been. Please don't say "don't beat yourself up" cause I'm not. I'm facing the truth. But I am REALLY facing it.
I am waiting for that day when I take my last dose. It will be 15 more days. I realize some won't agree with the taper but health doesn't allow for me to go cold turkey (at least that is what all 3 drs have said). So in 16 days I will be me.
Right now I just need to come and type and type and type at times. I read and read and read as well. After a while the panic feeling and racing heart and all that good stuff settles down to tolerable and I will be good til the next time. BUT I do know there is an end in the very near future. I know this is not forever and I know I am doing good right now about getting back to me.
Thank you to all that have replied and all that just read. I'm going to be bouncing in and out here but I consider that a good thing. It's great to come to a place where I can just "talk" and know that everyone gets it. YOu won't be mad if I don't stay and participate alot and you won't mind when I type 4 pages worth of thoughts either. So, Thank you.