Jessica I have to ask:
What in the hell are you hanging on to? An alkie that has now progressed to cocaine? Do you really want THAT in your children's lives?
He is not what you thought he was all these years. He will NEVER be what you thought he was or want him to be. If and that's a big IF we all know, he does get sober and clean and stays that way, he will be a different person entirely.
So again, what are you hanging on to and why?
Just some things you have to HONESTLY look at.
I know eventually, some day you WILL get so sick and tired of this that you will finally say STOP. There are time's Jessica that I really want to shake you, and I mean really shake you and say "what in the hell are you doing?" The pain you are in and have been in just tears my guts out.
Are you tired of hurting yet? Please Jess, let him go. Shut the door on that era of your life. There is so much GOOD living ahead of you.
If you are not in therapy please get some. And if you are, maybe go more than you are, and BE HONEST with your therapist. Its not about him anymore, its about you and your kids. You've got to do some changing of the circumstances in your life, to stop killing yourself from the inside out. And YES YOUR CHILDREN DO FEEL IT. Children are clean slates and they ABSORB what goes on around them, ie the stress, the anger (even if it is kept inside) the frustration and the hurt.
When will ENOUGH BE ENOUGH?
The above is my way of 'shaking you' in cyber space.
We love you Jess, when will you start loving yourself?
JMHO
Love and hugs,