bfree4U, Maybe your honestly not ready.
Only you can decide, and it seems that is the decision you have made. If you tell yourself your not ready...and that you CANT do it....then you most likely WONT. I am so very sorry for you, as I see your internal struggle, and I see how "Different" you feel from the rest of the world. I want to let you know that while your circumstance may be different, if you "HONESTLY" seek recovery, you will find many who at one time or another, felt just as you do now. YOU CAN win....but it will require ALOT of effort.
AloneAgainOR made alot of sense. I know it may seem harsh but the post was really dead on. There is no Tow Rope really. There are people who will help, and PLACES that will help...but you have to at least be willing to take the steps to get there.
Based on your post, I'd really like to see you get into a In Patient Recovery Program. I think if you give yourself some TRUE SOBER time....along with working a program....you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. The world is FULL of oportunity for you, if you get sober. But if you stay in your current frame of mind, I see nothing but sadness coming to you. PLEASE get help. If you need to leave SR that is one thing...but DO NOT GIVE UP. Just coming to SR means that a part of you genuinely wants to get better...and YOU CAN. PLEASE ALLOW yourself a happy life.
Blessing to you