Looks like my "good angel, bad angel" idea has taken root without my intending it to. AH came home being his normal moody self. We ended up having a fight over stuff I would usually ignore. Yesterday the "Serenity Prayer" was my friend. Today it's a distant memory. The man is officially driving me crazy. I don't even have my denial to protect me anymore.
Even if things go well in Maui, I'd only be letting my guard down again and setting myself up for disappointment. I keep thinking, if only I can make it through the next few months, then we have ski a lease all Winter so I'll only see him on weekends and by the end of that time... I'll know what to do. If at that time he's actively drinking and/or behaving the way he does now, I think I'll be intelligent to end this stupid game.
He called me stupid again last night and you know maybe he's right, 'cause look at what I've allowed him to get away with all this time. Usually, he doesn't actually call me stupid, usually he just implies it. I don't know how many times he's told me that if he dies he doesn't trust me not to blow the life insurance money on some guy. Of course I know it's ridiculous accusation but maybe it's based on a very real fact... AH conned me into loving him and look at all I've been wiiling to sacrifice for him.
Not so long ago, AH told me the real him is the one that is mean and when he acts nice towards me... it's just an act. I don't think he was lying about that. I believe it has become more and more true over the years. And like the frog in the pot of water coming to a boil, our relationship has been dying a slow death without my understanding what was happenning. But sometimes I wonder, was it all a con from the beginning, was he ever capable of loving anyone?
I keep hoping that AH will get healthy and we'll have a good relationship again, for more than a few minutes at a time, someday. But what if we never had a good relationship to begin with? What if it was all an act on his part and me seeing what I wanted to see on my on my part? Okay, so maybe he's a victim of his illness and not really as bad as all that. So? Doesn't really matter if I don't want to keep living this way.
Whatever! I have a plan. I'll try to stick to it as closely as possible. Meanwhile, there is a part of me that is already done playing this supid game.
From now on, he's on his own to figure it out what he wants to do and how he's going to do it. I've told him what I want. The rest is up to him and he'll do whatever he's gonna do. It's not in my control and it's not my responibility. I've done all I can to try to keep our relationship together and it's taken it's toll on me. I'm done playing. I am just a spectator now.
Time for a new game. From now on, it's all about me... and of course my children.