Thank you Melissa, but I'll tell you this (and don't tell anyone OK ;-), I can be rude ((()))'s to you! You'll be fine, I know you will. It won't be easy and it will hurt like hell, but when you come out on the other side and the sun is shining and you are smiling, you will know you are fine.
You know, when my H, who is now recovering 3 years went into rehab, I was angry. I was so so angry, I cried, I screamed, I punched, I ran every emotion possible.
About 10 days after he left, I saw my uncle who is recovering somewhere near 40 years. He hugged me and asked me how I was feeling (he knew by looking at me, I looked tortured, I looked demented, I looked beaten up).
I told him I felt like someone had used me as a battering ram and slammed me through a brick wall. I explained to him to look at a huge room with a wall running through the middle. I was living on the left side of that room .... the left side was my life where I had lived for 46 years, good and bad. I was forced through the wall (when my husband decided to go to rehab, I knew things would different) dividing that room and I was scared and I was lonely and my old life, the left side of that room was gone to me forever, I could never go back I knew that and I was madder than hell about it. I wasn't given a choice. The only things I had with me in the right side of that room was myself, my kids and my possessions, everything else was gone to me.
As I was telling my uncle this story and sobbing and crying and angry I looked at him and said "Do you understand? Do you?" He looked at me and said very calmly "How do you know it's so bad on the right side? Why make the assumption it's bad when you don't even know yet".
That conversation with my uncle helped turn my way of thinking, ever so slightly, but it firmly planted my feet on the path I was about to follow. He was calm, caring and he obviously cared about me, enough so I could start taking small steps in my new life.
I don't know if that makes any sense to you or anyone, but it was that conversation that stopped me from fighting, that made me realize it was my life and I was only in control of my own life, not my husbands. I've been walking that path ever since and I've never looked back. I've never done "you did this, this and this". At that moment I forgave my husband everything, I don't know why, I just did. I realized that he hurt me because I let him ... it was my choice and I was tired of being hurt, tired of being the victim .... I simply wanted to be me and if that wasn't good enough for my husband, then I'd deal with that when the time came. Fortunately for us, it was good enough.
So Melissa, your path is waiting for you ...... you need to find and plant your feet firmly and start walking. It's that simple, and that hard.
I will tell you that I went to Therapy and Al-Anon, my husband goes to AA and it took years for us to feel a comfort level around our new selves. But these are stops we need to take along our new paths in life.
I'm babbling!