aloneagainor

Again, all about Progress, not Perfection! Trying to figure things out...much appreciate all this input...seeking information...progressing along...

Before proceeding further I must address this, because it's soooo beautifully interconnected, hits directly on what I'm seeking, in finding my place in the Whole...

At the start of the outdoor NA meeting last weekend there was a "Clean-time Countdown". All 70+ in attendance stood, to be seated again when their clean time number was called. Two long time members led the "rally" of sorts, full of energy and shouting loudly so to be heard above the rainstorm, they began clapping and "counting down" beginning with 25 years. Someone had 25 years. Everyone applauded. The next had 22, he sat, everyone applauded. And so on down through the years, down to 2 years, 18 months, 1 year. Only four of us remained standing. 6 months, 3 months, 1 month. Everyone was seated but me. Counting down through the days. While I've abstained from the hallucinogens for over 2 months (my primary focus, those things have severely messed with my head), I've not yet gotten clear away from the pot. They continued counting down. 29 days. "Keep coming back it works!" 28 days...keep coming back it works! By now everyone's voice was growing hoarse. I accelerated the process along, calling out "May we please accelerate this along, this is getting torturous. Four days!" Relieved, I took a seat. Everyone applauded, and I was given an new hardcover NA book. Feeling not shamed for my meager time clean, only encouragement.

Well, I already have an NA book, I expressed. They insisted I take it, and give it to another newcomer, the next I find that needs one. Temlin3 needs one. Tell me where to send it Jen, and it's in Monday's mail, I'm HAPPY to pass this along to you...understanding how it works. Trying to do our best. Progressing along...

Gooch, thank you for the article.

This coming week the Wed. night step work group I'm in begins at the beginning with step 1. I am committed to going. I don't yet have a sponsor nor any prospects. It's not my intent to look so hard that I overlook potential options, yet, I NEED to be very cautious to not make a bad choice. When trust of others is soooo lacking, I'm concerned a misstep might blow this whole thing up. There's good REASON I've pushed most everyone out of my life, and having (previously) decidedly to never let anyone else in, the whole concept of trusting someone in the role of sponsor seems, honestly, unfathomable. Right now I'm going on faith, trusting that in time the right person will appear at the right time, provided I'm receptive enough to recognize it. Seems forcing the issue without full consideration would be in error.

Before I started attending NA meetings I knew no-one in the program, I have precious few friends otherwise, and mostly they're only writing friends, and most of them are male. People I've met through NA meetings, my writing friends, and the minds here at SR, are my only outside contacts, that is anyone who knows anything of any substance about me. Considering this, I wonder if it might be a valid approach to go ahead and proceed through the step-work group (it's a quite small group...I do not do well in large groups of people) using this base of people as a core grounding, to get an understanding of the program, while keeping all senses open to finding a sponsor, should a potential arise. I'd REALLY REALLY like to find someone who can relate to my drug of choice (this seems very important to me, to be able to RELATE...I don't relate well to others nor they to me...inherent disconnect) but so far in the program have met just one individual who shares my (obsessively deep seated) interest and focus and reasons for choosing that particular drug to the exclusion of most all the rest. But he's male. So that's not an option. He's a very good resource willing always to listen, in my broad base of resources.

Am I putting too much emphasis on being able to relate?
Am I being too extreme in my concerns about trust?
From this vantage point, I can't imagine otherwise, but open to outside input on this...

Through written word ALL my resources are open to open exchange, I can write at any time day or night, and know I'll be heard and responded to within relatively short order. No phones involved. I'm set to disconnect the phone entirely. It's a problem....

Really, fundamentally, at this point, what I'm looking for in a sponsor is someone who knows how this works, can provide outside perspective, and give honest feedback direction to the best of their knowledge. Going any deeper than that at this point to trust one person exclusively...I don't know that I'd ever be able to do that, as they're not God either.

Not trying to be difficult or argumentative here, these are very REAL concerns I cannot get past, yet.

Alright, trying to do my best, and progress along, with an open mind to what comes next...