wishIsedNO

im sure your just like my mom..shes gained much weight since i been clean..ive been able to stay clean for 11 months..but the past 2 weeks ive sadly given in to my urges..i hate to act like im blaming other people for my use but it is a big part..i know im the one who finally makes the decision but sumtimes people can push u to that point my dad is going through alot hes been drinking all the time and becoming a real violent one too..plus my bf has been struggling with his pill habbit..so its was tough and i think i just caved cause im the type like my mom that likes to take care of people and forget about my needs..im learning though sumtimes u gotta just let things be and allow those people to find their way but im not saying im leaving them im mean for one i could never really leave my dad..and for now i love my bf to pieces so im not ready for that and im hoping i never have to be..but for the first time in my using im more afraid of hurting my mom..we've gotten real close in this past year..ive grown alot and see her side of things and it hurts me to realize what i put her through these past years..if it wasnt for her i know for a fact i wouldnt be here she saved my life last year when i decided to go home cause i didnt feel good even though i already did 20 bags of heroin which is alot and it wasnt crappy stuff either when i awoke the next morning i was real sick and i felt this peace i hadnt felt since i was a kid..i just didnt want it to end...for the past 6 yrs i always awoke to my own hell..id be sick and worrying about how i was gonna get well..but that morning i didnt even feel i just was so comfortable..but my mom knew sumthing was wrong and she wasnt gonna let me go..i was dying and i know that for a fact..she kept coming in my room what i thought was only a few minutes but it was acoupla hours..what shes told me was the last time she went in which was late afternoon i was a paleish white and my lips were blue i remember hearing her talking on the phone to somebody and crying ..the next thing i knew we were in her car driving to the hospital..i had a very high fever and i was hallucinating..i kept yelling at her and trying to fight her telling her to drive me to brooklyn so i could cop my drugs i thought i was just dope sick..she kept crying and saying i need to get help that i was too sick ..my mom was like a warrior..i guess thats how moms r when they have a child even though that child is already an adult in the eyes of the law..i remember the security guard in the hospital gave me a wheelchair to sit in and told us to wait after an hour and half of me going in and out..and when i was in i would keep screaming for sumone to give sum dope..my mom finally grab the security guard and sed if sumone dont get help for my daughter shes gonna die in that damn wheelchair..and if she does i will sue u and any ************ in this hospital..i was proud of her and it was a long time i even noticed my mom..when we got into the room with the doctor i was made to take my clothes off..im 5'2" and at that time i was some where around 90 pounds and wearing childrens clothes..my arms had tracks all over the place and one of them was infected to the point it was just an open whole with puss..my mom tried her hardest not to cry and she held my hand through it all..i had to get a spinal tap cause they thought i might have menginitis(sorry for the spelling) anyways long story short it was foung i had endocarditis..which is from me using the same needle all the time and in the same area of my arm where i had the gaping whole well puss and bacteria got in..and it stayed in my heart and grew..till it exploded into my lungs..thats why i had a fever of 107..they couldnt believe how i didnt go into a coma..i was exteremly lucky that it exploded and ony stayed in my lungs cause usually if it does exploded it travels to my brain which in turn theres no help and i die..and its lucky it exploded and left my heart cause if it just stayed in my heart i wouldnt have much more damage and maybe would of had to had an operation..all i had to do to clear it up and get better was stay in the hospital for a month with a tube in my arm that went all the way to my heart and shot antibiotics in twice a day into it..and even with that i still had my dealer bring dope to me 3 times a week when i was there till, i started realizing what i did plus the doctor told me if i keep using the way i was id be dead by the time i was 25 cause my heart will give out..so i sed i dont wanna die yet and thats how i really got into recovery,,at first my mom didnt trust it cause so many times i told her i was ready to get clean and so many times i failed her i couldnt tell her the only reason i did go in those times was to keep her happy so i could have her around when i was short on money..but eventually she saw i meant business..as the weeks and months past i got better and better and so did my mom..she gained weight my mom was as skinny as i was when i was using cause she could never eat she was always a nervous wreck waiting for that dread phone call..she would search the streets..asking around trying to get the cops to help but they didnt care they always would tell her" if she wants to kill herself let her u live your own life lady "..now my mom smiles and she laughs and she eats..and she shops and she looks relaxed she even gets her hair done and now shes getting that botox thing for all the wrinkles i caused her as she says it..and that makes me happy..i dont wanna ruin that..and im afraid the self destructed self will..but im gonna try my hardest not to..cause now ive seen the good i cant go back to the bad i just cant if i do i dont know if ill be as lucky as i been..you gonna go through real bad nites and times that u just wanna scream and just give up..im sure sumtimes u look at your son and think of him as a monster..and wonder how cant he see what hes doing..drugs r a very strong blinder..it makes us feel so good that we think scarficing the things we do is worth it..but everyone gets hit by that wall and he will too and when he does he will see it all and he will wanna change and hes gonna wish he changed much sooner but just like u stand by him now when he starts to get clean u gotta be for him there even more..cause even after the drugs leave his body hes gonna go through an emotional roller coaster and if he dont got a strong support the disease will eat him up whole..time will heal all..keep in touch..i like to think all the years of my using will help with sumthing and if my story can give u sumthing to help your son with so be it..then i will feel that all that hell was for a reason..