Originally Posted by teke
i am sorry that you are feeling down today, maybe we can hold each other's hand and pray for each other and our kids. maybe we can allow god to be the father that we all so desperately long for.
Yes.....let's do that. My father loves me, I know that. AH ; really I guess he is my exAH (have to get that thru my head) loves me,too....I do believe that. It turns out they both grew up with with very down-in-the-mouth (haha look at me right now!)conrolling A fathers (who both to this day swear did not/do not have an abnormal relationship with alcohol..they do) and they both are very similar.....very controlled who try to control and very shy behind it. Probably they are doing the best they think they can......but they don't try to be better at relaionships. Dad depended on my mother for that (I am the oldest of five) and B. has depended on me for that for the past 30yr. They both found us and we did it for them, I guess....who knew?! It worked well until the kids and I all started having problems with his behavior.....so he just left and showed up for family functions,holidays and a meal or two a week then I guess got a part-timer who went for what he gave her. I see I did not help but it was still his choice. Seems a waste.
I guess I can not expect something from someone they can not give. That is my denial but it hurts and I feel rejected and angry that maybe my whole life and marriage were a lie (I know they were not, but still somewhere along the way it all got crazy.)
The more I read, the more I see that even though I have basically lived with an AA mindset most of my life (my mom did and so did my dad when she was alive) I really relate to a lot of the feelings an alcoholic describes. I just feel like a square peg in a round hole............an odd-ball who doesn't want to party and "escape" by acting like a teenager in heat.
OK....enough moaning and groaning from me.
It is a beautiful day..my daughter and I just went tanning
(new for me but it was relaxing and makes me look thinner and younger.at least to myself! haha and that is the point!) Just a melancholy day thinking back to better times. I miss B, I miss feeling loved and "safe", I miss my mom, I miss "going home", I am tired of people wondering what is going on in our family when I really do not know for sure! haha.....guess that happens when you are in your 50's and find yourself alone. Oh,well...the day is young and full of possibilities!
Thanks for your kind words and prayers,teke. I love your tag line. I need to remember to let go and let God.I DO believe HE has this covered!!!
Have a good day and do something nice for yourself....you deserve it!
Thanks!