teke-------I feel that heavy feeling,too. That is why I come on here,alot.
It churns in my head and in my heart. I feel "lost" somedays...I guess that is to be expected. Worse days are when I think ;"Who is the insane one? I feel like it is me."
The "Fathers'Day"...........that is another thing,too. My own father couldn't stand to be alone (he and Mom were married 37yrs but together from 15yr untilher death at 60y) sohe married a girl we knew (who is my age !) a year later...and didn't tell us.Now my AH moved out and divorced me very recently after 27ys and he at least has had this one OW that he denied (but evidently others know all about her). Our kids haven't had an acting father in years;but he thinks he is great because he pays all our bills (that part is good, but really.......he SHOULD be doing that.) It all seems like the past few years have been such a struggle and so "pointless"........whether that is true or not.
I was home taking care of our kids; one who has had serious ongoing medical conditions.both physical and emotional. He had to have a tutor come to our home for schooling for his high school years. He still had health problems (heart....has already had surgery but that lead to another complication). The more difficult the problems.....the more stress and the more AH left it to me. He was busy starting and running his own company. I assumed.............stop me there. That is my mistake. I did not count on my husband taking the easy way out.........work,work,work and play,play,play..........and begrudging me for our child's illness and having to deal with it because he did not help. I am disappointed and feel rejected for doing the "right" thing. boo-hoo for me!
Why do I feel badly that Father's Day is coming on and I feel sad that the two most important fathers in my life have acted in a way that has me dread that day. It is a Hallmark Holiday but it just points out these realy difficult realities. I have my children and I am so thankful for that........but these two don't really because of their own selfish behaviors and I feel badly for them and for my kids and for me. We did not do anything to deserve not having a family except love someone who evidently can't love us back in a way that feels like love. They are busy out "having fun" doing one lame thing after another and angry. Their choice, I know.....just disappointing.
I wish my children didn't have that. Actually.............I don't know that they know how much they really are missing.....I DID have it before and lost it; from both my dad and husband. My son remembers....my daughter has never known it.........which is worse? I do not know; but neither is good.
Thanks for letting me ramble.........this is the craziness that gets stuck in my thoughts and heart.