That is a real tough situation. Let me share some of my ESH with you that is all that any of us can really offer. My name is Vic and I am an addict. It used to bug the hell out of me to say that, but today, hum I might even be a little proud to be an addict
Back in 2000 my wife (now ex) and I used dope heavily. It was my fault yes, I brought it around, but it wasn't my fault that she used. We each have our own choice to make. Anyway we were using heavily, METH. The reason that we used it was for the extremely arousing sexual experiences. We did things that we probably would have never done, fulfilled fantasies, etc. I ran my own business so money wasn't really an object, we used everyday, every night for almost two years. I know that one time, I did so much in my garage that my secretary told me that I feel to the ground, and crawled around, with dowel coming out of my mouth. I was a mess and so was she.
In 2001 I had sold my buisness and bought it back 4 times that year. Yeah that was just a run of bad luck huh?!!!! NOT, the electric got shut off 2 times with kids, because them damn people wouldn't wait until I got paid, but I had my dope right! During the months of September of 2001 through January of 2002, I don't have a lot of memeory there. It sucks but so goes life. I was in a walking, using, blackout. I don't even remember my wifes birthday that month now ex.
Anyway, I do however remembering going in the house and my wife was sitting there on the couch and she looked at me and said ''Vic, if you love me and the children you will give me what is in your pocket!" I proceeded to the bathroom and did a big load of dope. When I came out she said Vic you are an *******, I said "NO I am the biggest ******* and don't forget it. Now that wasn't me talking and yet it was. I left the town to get clean, and got busted again for possession. I got out a week later on a plea bargain, I drove straight home. When I pulled up, the kids came running out, the dog came running out, but no wife came running out. When I went in she said that I couldn't live there, that she had enough. All I had was a few pairs of jeans, a few shirts and a change of socks.
Anyway I always said that I would get clean and I did for all the wrong reasons. But I still today say that my wife (now ex) saved my life. I would have never tried to get clean if she had let me back into her life. We both could have been dead by now, I know I sure would have probably. She loved me enough to set me free. Yes I was lonely, alone, etc. But I went to meetings, I started to work a program, and made new friends. Today we are really good friends, we can talk, laugh, argue, and still remain close. She saved my LIFE> It is up to you to do what you want, we are not here to tell you what to do only share what has happened to us so maybe you can find the answer that you are seeking.
I sure will send tons of good thoughts your way.
Love vic