I'm angry at myself for having all of these emotions that I don't know what to do with them. I'm angry at AH for starting to drink again. I'm angry at him because he said that he never wanted our son to see him drunk. I'm angry at his insanity and my own. I'm angry because I don't know what to do. I'm angry because AH is experimenting with the alcohol. Why would he want to experiment with the alcohol if there is even a risk that we will end up right back in all of the hell that we were in? Why would he want to bring alcohol back into the picture if we were starting to really thrive again?
Why do I feel the way that I do? I'm so angry. I'm so hurt and lost. I don't want to feel this way. I know that if it comes to being the way that it was before (and it feels inevitable that it will) I will leave and take our son with me. I can't deal with this crap day in and day out. I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I keep thinking that I chose him to be the man that I love. How on earth will I stop the cycle of bad relationships? How will I grow strong and not be so afraid.
I have noticed that my self-esteem has dwindled down to nothing. I won't talk to people that I don't know. I hate being around people that I don't know because I'm afraid of what they will think of me. I'm afraid of a lot of things that I never used to be afraid of. I don't want to known as a failure. I don't want to feel like I am a failure. It's going to be a long painful road ahead and I'm not sure how I will handle it. I have so many more feelings inside, but I don't know how to access them and don't know if I really want to. *sigh* I don't want to feel this way anymore.