All the positive thoughts and OPEN exchange of this format seem to be finally sinking in to my oh-so-carefully-guarded head. Exposing it has that effect. Getting off the drugs seems to help a lot too.
Originally Posted by luckyv2
...I will never find that happy medium if I continue to hold on to fear. Have you been to enough meetings to hear what they say about fear?
FEAR = Fu*k Everything And Run
FEAR = Face Everything And Recover
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
I do like the last description of FEAR. Usually whatever I am fearful of never turns out the way that I think, for my thinker is broken, especially in early recovery. It takes time to heal, we didn't get here in one day, and we are not going to be well in one day either. So, for me, I need to Face the things that I am fearful of in order to get through them. Usually after I face them it isn't as bad as I thought it would be, and then I have truly accomplished something other than running from myself.
Last night the phone rang AGAIN, thing's been ringing with so many people wanting to talk with me, and all I've been doing for weeks is avoiding. It's starting to create real problems. So thinking on FEAR last night I picked up (the phone) and dealt with business. Hung up, five seconds later it rang again. I listened to my city-dwelling friend go on at length about wanting to come visit. So persistent! I could not avoid any longer and answered. She's a beautiful person. I told her the honest truth, I've been avoiding EVERYONE. She was completely understanding. But she really wants to come visit! I welcome her company today, along with her niece, mother, and her mother's friend. They want to HELP me garden. I'm so overwhelmed with garden work (this is my occupation) I can't keep up. So consumed by drugs/ recovery I can't think straight. So head-strong an isolationist I can't ask for help. So FEARful of exposure I'm paralyzed, incapacitate myself.
Today, I'm facing all that head on. I'm getting HELP today. And grateful for it. Peace.