I don't disagree with you about the timing of forgiveness, live, however the message is still the same - I can only find peace through forgiveness, rather than bitterness. I didn't mean to imply that it should be No 1 on Janit's agenda at all, just that I don't see the blame she see in the email - apart from in the bit about the kids exacerbating the situation. Oh, and the "more supportive wife" bit.
It took ages for me to get my head around forgiveness, until I realised that I am not prepared to be bound to someone forever through thoughts of bitterness and resentment. That forgiveness had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me being able to move into the next stage of my life free from obssessive thoughts and rage. Did I have to forgive myself first? In a sense. Once I understood (and accepted) the reasoning for my behaviour, it helped me to have a glimpse into the "whys" of R's.