I guess for me, it really doesn't matter what people know about me either clean or not. They sure as heck new me when I wasn't clean, they knew that I was high even though I thought that they didn't know. They knew by the actions that I take. So, now that I am going to meetings, working the steps, talking to a sponsor, reading the literature, and NOT USING, they can sure tell a difference in the way that I act.
Truly there is someday, we will be able to have that happy medium. But I know at least for me today, that I will never find that happy medium if I continue to hold on to fear. Have you been to enough meetings to hear what they say about fear?
FEAR = Fu*k Everything And Run
FEAR = Face Everything And Recover
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
I do like the last description of FEAR. Usually whatever I am fearful of never turns out the way that I think, for my thinker is broken, especially in early recovery. It takes time to heal, we didn't get here in one day, and we are not going to be well in one day either. So, for me, I need to Face the things that I am fearful of in order to get through them. Usually after I face them it isn't as bad as I thought it would be, and then I have truly accomplished something other than running from myself.
Anyway I am glad that you're here, that is truly what a closed mouth friend (Sponsor) is! A person to confide in, a person that you trust, and then also to be open-minded enough to try something that is suggested, yes it is going on faith that they might know something that is alien to us. Sending tons of good thoughts your way.
Love Vic