Forcing the issue
This past week a city-dwelling friend called, left a message on the machine requesting that she and her niece and mother come visit me here in the country, help plant gardens, go for a walk. Almost never do I receive visitors here, this place is my refuge, my escape. Especially so now, I'm becoming extremely protective of it, as my usual familiar methods of retreat in my head (through drugs) are being removed. The EXPOSURE is terribly unsettling. While I'm entirely open to, indeed inviting of, written exchanges of mind, physically I just want to be left alone.
Feeling somewhat guilty about not wanting company and not returning her call (how to explain???) I wrote of this to a friend who does know of my addiction and attempts toward recovery. This is the response:
"Fear of (being around) people will leave us"--that's one of the PROMISES of AA
The way you would prefer to handle the situation is something like this:
1. Let's see, I'm afraid of being around people.
2. Hmmm, only cure is to go to meetings, therapy, etc., so as to overcome my fear.
3. But I can't do 2 because of 1.
4. Guess I'll just stay like this and run into the woods whenever "fine people who I like" come around. They won't see me hiding, and therefore they never think that I am a bit strange and (by extention) might be, uh, "using something".
5. Got it handled!
So now I don't know. I think my increasing avoidance of people might also be reflective of an ongoing avoidance of actually DOING something about my addiction. It's true, I do NOT want anyone I know in person to know this about me, either the addiction or the present attempts at recovery. Am I going about this all wrong? Should I be forcing myself to interact with people? That only seems to add distracting stress and compells me to want to escape it, hide from it. I'm enjoying my solitude here this weekend immensely, and not using drugs in it. It's easy to be straight in this solitude, surrounded by nature and natural beauty...there's so much to do, to observe, to appreciate! Or, is this just further avoidance of reality.