I was in my early 20's when I first attempted suicide. And in my early 20's when I made a more 'serious' attempt. I still have the little zipper-like marks on my wrist where they stitched me up. It left some nice scar tissue and for that I am thankful.
A couple of things that I have found over the years that really help when in times of 'danger'.
At a time when you are 'not' in crisis.....when things have died down a little and the pain is not so intense, that is the time to write out a couple of lists and letters.
On the list.....I had to make several copies of it because I just wasn't good at finding stuff like that you know? Had to post on on my mirror, put one under my pillow.....put them places that I knew were safe. Fortunately for me I was in my own home so I didn't have to worry so much about what 'other' people think, although if I were, I guess I would have had to find a couple of good hiding spots.
The list.......a list of things to do when crisis hits.
First thing on the list.......and repeated often is something so very simple....and yet so very hard to remember to do if you are anything like I was.
Breathe.
Remember to breathe. Silly perhaps, but not when you learned to hold your breath as a way of keeping everything inside. Breathe in and out........and the better you get at that, the better things will become. Again sounds silly, but really it isn't. It works.
I remember a meditation teacher I was lucky to have once. She taught me to breathe. She said to imagine a white light above me. The light is very bright and beautiful and its right above me. It is shining down on me, its rays are around me......all around me.
They are infront of me, behind me, to my left and to my right.....all around me and the light shines and is cleansing and healing. I was to breathe in that light. Breathe it in as deeply as I could. And then exhale.
The air that I breathed out was dirty. It was murkey and poisonous....toxic from all of the things that was hurting me and had been hurting me. All of those memories, all of those thoughts....all of those things......they were not me, but were in me......and if I breathed out, they would come out of me....be dispelled by the light and just float away. And as I breathed in again.....I would breathe in deeply of the light....and the light would heal me.
I practised this many times while I was not in crisis so that when I was in crisis it was easier to do. I found that when I hurt, I could cry on the out breathes....shout sometimes...sometimes involuntarily.....moan....and then breathe in again.....kept doing this untill the pain subsided a little.
#2 on list.
Find a corner, a blanket, a teddy bear.....something I liked to hug. Hug it.
#3 on list. Breathe
#4 on list
Rock.....rock myself.....the feeling of rocking is soothing for a baby...and when I hurt the most it is usually because it is that baby that is still hurting. I am to rock it.....and in doing so rock myself.
#5 on list......Breathe
#6 on list.....call a friend. Have a few numbers there. Right There, on the list......call them.......even if they are not home......call.....one of the numbers or all of the numbers can be crisis lines etc......but call them. Talking helps.
I went through this crap alone as a child. I DO NOT have to relive it alone again. Only if I choose to.
#7 on list Breathe
#8 on list
Rock self, hug bear. hum a tune and maybe stroke an arm or a leg......stroke myself.......I did not receive much loving touch as a child....I can give that to myself now.
#9 on list........yup......Breathe
#10. Pray......yell to God if I have to, Talk to Him......ask Him for help.........keep the conversation going if necessary.
#11. Breathe.
Usually, I would not complete all the way through the list. In addition I had to start making lists of positive things about myself. Got some friends to help........but make the list. The qualities that are on that list are mine.......and I need to look at thme when I hurt the most.
Getting a box of 'provable-lovable' things helps. Cards with gems written on them from friends.....recovery friends.....little snatches of positive remarks......the list of positive qualities.....then when panic or pain hits.....I can look at them and know that I am not alone.
It also helps to learn the following phrase.....and keep it high on the list of things to remember. Again, post it on the wall in the safe place.
"Feelings are temporary. Feelings are NOT reality. Feelings are temporary........this will pass" saying this over and over again....again.....does help. Say it outloud.....so that your ears can hear it, your voice can say it, you mouth get used to saying it.....and your heart can slowly hear it too.
And if nothing else helps.......I always have found falling back on the old thing......if I kill myself....all I accomplish is to help HIM (abuser) win. HE will get the ultimate victory and I will have done HIM a favour. IF I heal.....get stronger.....get better.....then I WIN. He took alot from me....but He can NOT take myself from me. Only I can do that. At times like this.....once I clue into this......I find its good to have a pillow around....because the pain moves into anger.....and once that anger is directed outwards to the proper target......it no longer rules. Hitting pillows in a safe environment.....has been an excellent release for me.
I am a big believer in the idea that suicidal thoughts.....is pain and anger turned INWARDS......the pain is legit, the anger is legit.....but why the **** should I hurt myself and do his job for him??? He 'thinks' he won......but as long as I survive....as long as I live and get stronger and stronger........He has lost.
Hope some of this helps.