Tammie,
I used to be just like you when my kids were young and I was trying to survive while raising them. It was really tough. You can make it. Just keep talking to us. I'm sorry I missed your post. The new post indicators don't work right on this board. I miss posts all the time.
I finally got to a place that I called on beyond suicide. I learned to cope with so much that I went past the point of suicide and then could really handle the emotions after that. It's the fear that makes us want to escape. We don't have to be afraid to feel the emotions we carry. Those emotions can't kill us. We can go through them and come out the other side.
I found that every emotion was attached to an event in my past. When I dealt with all the memories then I wasn't afraid anymore. I wasn't lonely anymore. I'm still a bit depressed, but it's nothing I can't handle now. I was so so bad years ago. It was unbelievable what I had to live through. I know it's hard for you too. I have the most beautiful grandchildren that I would have missed if I had left this world. I'm so glad I toughed it out and kept going. There were times when I begged God to carry me because I knew I just couldn't even get up off the floor. The fear was so horrible and the pain was more than I could handle. He brought me through and he can bring you through too.
And my kids went through it too and I was able to help them through. Your kids are going to need you too later and by then you will be a pro at all of this.
We're here for you. If I should ever miss one of your posts please send me a private message and let me know you posted. I will never ignore you so if I don't reply within a day it means I didn't see it.
Hugs,
MG