I am feeling in a better place. My partner and I had a great talk about my anxiety yesterday. I have messed up in the past so much, and been so vulnerable financially in the past to others, that I am terrified of either of us making a misstep.
After several weeks of research, he has now committed to an endeavor with a start-up company that he believes can show significant financial return. It will not be immediate and may take 1 to 3 months to show any income.
He has offered to commit to evaluation points along the way that will enable us both to assess whether things are progressing with this as hoped for, or if a different plan is needed.
With this, I am committing to the idea that an immediate loss of his income doesn't mean we are in desparate straits (can anyone say panic?). Rather there's a line of credit we can draw on in the meantime if needed, there's equity in the home, etc.etc.. I'm getting comfortable seeing this as an investment in time and money of something that can have great returns. Or not. And trusting the right decisions will be made as we go along.
But gosh, it's hard. This very same fear has stopped me from following my heart by needing to have secure solid plans in place. Taking risks like this scares me. What a contradiction -- when I've risked so much in other areas of my life (like relationships!).
I want to learn to feel comfortable letting go of answers, outcomes, and trusting that if you follow a dream, you can get there. His, and mine.
But I still feel like I'm walking over the edge of a building, and jumping! Maybe that's part of the process?