Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Let me take a bit of a guess here. Isn't that also a perfect job description of what you do for a living? It certainly was for me, until my recent retirement.
Uh, yeah, I suppose it is. Are you suggesting this is an indicator I'm in the wrong profession (like I needed another one!
)
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I trust that my life will unfold as it _will_. As long as I maintain the "spiritual condition" that my HP has provided for me thru the program of recovery I will survive and overcome.
I can see the difference here. As I said in my post to Minx, that trust in a HP still remains challenged. Sigh.
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Some things in life do require all of my planning and directing skills, other things are best left alone. It is thru the program that I learn from others the wisdon to know which is which.
Sigh again. I get confused often with this. I suppose it's the process of relearning. Sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing too much and busying myself with something when I should be letting go, sometimes I don't know if I shouldn't be doing more and develop a better plan of action when I'm giving myself permission to be in the moment. I know, I know, it sounds pretty confused. I remember this feeling of confusion as a child when my thinking would go round and round and I'd end up with one simple question -- "What
should I think???".
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Gee, what a coincidence. Before my dad would come home drunk I would be filled with worry and anxiety, upon his arrival I would enact my plan of action. After the beating or the rape i would hope and trust that it would never happen again. Then I'd repeat the cycle again the next time. It's the same cycle most of us children of toxic families were raised in.
Yes, I have compassion for how I came by this pattern. Now I just want it to stop. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice!
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
There's no shortage of positions for people who are good at planning and directing.
This is where fear comes in. By dint of being in an aspect of a small industry at a senior level, the openings are few and far between it seems. I just have to trust something will emerge that is the right fit. The fear is that I may still have to return to the toxic setting that was hurting me so much while I continue to look. I suppose it's a face it when it happens scenario.
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
What he does _not_ need is for me to be critical of him, I'm supposed to be his number one supporter.
I've always expected more from myself. I've always thought if I'm unhappy, there must be something different I can be doing. It's really hard to not be analyzing in this way -- and then I cycle to compassion, recognize the antecedents to all this, how the pattern all makes sense -- and then back to the other. I'm trying. How many more stops till the subway gets to Enlightenment??
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I had to learn as an adult all the lessons a healthy person learns as a child.
I woke up this morning with another blast of anxiety about my partner. I suppose I wonder, "Can he learn this? Will all be alright? Or is he maybe stuck in an earlier place because of all that occurred in his life?" I truly hate this anxiety inside me and want a place of trust and peace. I suppose it's all about noticing change, celebrating steps forward, and saying "NO" to the negative thought patterns.
still chugging,
thanks again mike,
gf