Heya gf,
I love these questions that you pose. Helps me take another look at myself and where I'm heading in my own recovery.
Originally Posted by GettingFree
... One of the ways I learned to function as a result of not being able to manage so much of the stuff that happened to me as a child was becoming an over-planner and over-functioner in many areas as an adult. Well, that paired with its opposite at times, reckless risk-taking -- ...
You just described me perfectly
Let me take a bit of a guess here. Isn't that also a perfect job description of what you do for a living? It certainly was for me, until my recent retirement.
Originally Posted by GettingFree
... a calm sense of non-doing and trust that things will unfold just as they should. ...
That's not quite the way it works for me. I trust that my life will unfold as it _will_. There is much in the world over which I have no control, and that brings up all my childhood fears of my abusive parents. What I have come to realize is that what I _do_ have control over is my _reaction_ to the challenges of life. I trust that no matter what life throws at me _I_ will be able to maintain a positive attitude, adapt to the challenge and remain a positive example of life well lived. As long as I maintain the "spiritual condition" that my HP has provided for me thru the program of recovery I will survive and overcome.
My sense of "non-doing" is only as a part of the Serenity Prayer. Some things in life do require all of my planning and directing skills, other things are best left alone. It is thru the program that I learn from others the wisdon to know which is which.
Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I cycle a lot between a state of worry, anxiety, planning, action, letting go, trusting all will be alright, and back again....
Gee, what a coincidence. Before my dad would come home drunk I would be filled with worry and anxiety, upon his arrival I would enact my plan of action. After the beating or the rape i would hope and trust that it would never happen again. Then I'd repeat the cycle again the next time. It's the same cycle most of us children of toxic families were raised in.
Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I've never been in a work environment as toxic as my present employment and returning there when my disability is over would be very unhealthy for me...
Sounds to me like your short and long term plans are just fine. There's no shortage of positions for people who are good at planning and directing, your dumping the current employer sounds like a real good idea.
Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I think perhaps I should have put it all aside ...
Now you _really_ sound like me. You're planning how much planning you should do
May I suggest you not be so hard on yourself? Give yourself a break? Somewhere inside of me there's a little boy who's had one heckuva rough life. He needs some time to just unwind and _not_ worry about all the stuff in the world. A little bit of shelter from reality. What he does _not_ need is for me to be critical of him, I'm supposed to be his number one supporter.
gf, me thinks you're going to be just fine.
Mike
