Originally Posted by Minx1969
I guess one of my lessons I had to learn is that my HP will always provide for me...
Hi Minx,
As I wrote about in my response to Mike, this is a huge challenge for me. I have always believed that anything that happens will happen because I make it happen, because of time and effort I put in. I've always been very resourceful and proactive -- it's one of my strengths. But throughout my recovery, I'm seeing how much of a liability it has been as well.
It's created a state of being in which I believe I need to be always doing something to fix a situation, plan for the challenges in front of me, figure stuff out. And that makes for a very busy mind, with lots of relentless chatter, and not a lot of serenity.
And so, I keep practicing. I can see improvement and steps inching towards a calmer acceptance and trust. I'm still in a tug-of-war stage, but I see that there may be just a little opening there at then end of the tunnel! I'm trying to give myself compassion when I get frustrated with my slow progress -- I've had a lot of years of practice doing anything but trusting.
Originally Posted by Minx1969
Otherwise I'm so grateful that he let me struggle and just told me how much he loved me and believed in me...
Reading these words underscores what I know in my head to be so true -- that in regards to my partner, the most loving thing is to give him my love and support and belief in him. I KNOW this is true. At the same time, I've got this judgemental shadow sitting in a corner of my brain watching what he's doing. It's ugly, I know. And I hope after the last 24 hours and a lot of reflection on this, that voice will get quieter. I know it's all fear-based. And so that is what I pledge to work on. Getting a handle on that fear, and learning to trust.
And hey -- congrats on the job offers. That's awesome!
Regarding work for myself, in addition to looking at switching jobs, I'm seriously looking at the option of going freelance in my profession. For a fear-based person, talk about alarms going off. I'm really looking at this though, as there have been some developments to suggest this may be a workable solution. But it scares the s**t out of someone who has mostly relied on a regular paycheck and three big kids who depend on it!
Thanks Minx,
gf