Relationship Struggles
When I first came to SR I began posting on the Women's forum, feeling safer in an all-women context. So most of my reaching-out posts have been there or on the AOCA forum. I thought I'd post this thread here as well that I made yesterday in WIR -- would love any feedback with this codie issue.
Thanks!
gf
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I'm really struggling with managing my expectations around money and practical issues in my relationship with my partner of the past 2+ years. I'm afraid I've adopted the role of practical one, and know that my fear about his past work challenges are interfering with my ability to be the loving and supportive partner I want to be.
Damnit I hate my fear. But I've been taken advantage of an incredible amount in the past by other men. My first husband turned into a deadbeat financially and I took on the financial lion's share of raising my kids. I supported an out-of-work bf who turned out to be a coke addict and stole more than $10,000 from me to support his habit. And I've worked my a** off to support my 3 children in a profession that is not only incredibly demanding, but not my first choice, in order to be responsible and provide. Me? Resentful? Unfortunately, yes-- and I'm working on it a lot in therapy. However....
Fast forward to the present. My partner was terribly abused both physically and sexually as a child. He has been through lots of treatment and recovery, but still suffers tremendously from PTSD and memories. Sometimes it's dibilitating, and I have such compassion for him, and I have just held him lots of times and loved him through difficult episodes and been there with whatever I have to give. He is also an incredible person, with enormous gifts, and an awful lot to give and tremendous love. I love our time together and his company. And he has supported me incredibly through some of my worst times and has really stepped up in my household with my kids in so many ways. Add to this we're working through a country change -- he has moved to Canada from the U.S. for us to be together. We're engaged and haven't yet set a firm date for marriage. And very simply, I love him very, very much and appreciate so much about him. But....I get scared.
A month ago he quit a job he had taken here in Canada that turned out to be incredibly toxic and difficult. For more than 6 months he was making a very healthy income and shared it freely while at the same time starting to clear up considerable debt he has. We have a joint bank account and have treated our money very openly. I completely supported him leaving this job because it was so very unhealthy, for him, and so many others there. I couldn't see him suffer anymore. Now he has other leads and things in the offing now, but nothing concrete yet that's materialized into money -- and here's the thing.
He's one of these people who have been in both desperate financial times as well as very good financial times. He's one of these people with an incredible brain and tremendous ideas popping out everywhere which turned into great things sometimes, with a lot of entrepreneurial smarts -- but his business or practical sense seems to sometimes be lacking, corraling the ideas, looking at what's practical and feasible and scheduling time appropriately. Add to this he sometimes gets caught in an emotional vortex because of PTSD and his past trauma. And I end up judging and watching now as the weeks begin to go by. I'm looking at how he's spending his time, wondering if he's making sound decisions about where he's going to put his efforts, second-guessing if he's thought through things enough, evaluating his ability to spread a wide net and multi-task. If he's having a difficult time emotionally, I end up fearing if he's able to put in the grunt work of day in and day out work with the discipline of working on his own.
On the one hand I feel like a complete witch -- I know I'm being a joy-stealer as he is developing leads and ideas. I'm there quickly to poke holes and question what's realistic. On the other hand, I'm afraid. I've seen him get bogged down before and weeks and months go by. And so my fear comes out. And then I feel awful and defensive all at the same time.
Add to this I've been on short-term-disability myself for a bum back, am fearful about going back to work, and want like anything to find new work for myself when I do return, and am as well planning my own career change.
I know at the bottom of this I just want to be able to rely on someone, to have someone take care of me so I can forget all my financial worries. Not very realistic, I know, or partnerly.
Yikes,
Thanks for letting me just vent here,
gf