Hi guys,
Thanks so much for your replies... I'll try to get to all of them, as you all had some great points
JG, yup.... there is an elephant in my living room too. And it's weird cuz, the LAST time he was sober for 3 months... and thats all we did was "talk" about it. I guess this is why I am trying to make things a bit different this time; NOT because I am responsible for him using again (forget that!
), but because I realize how "wrapped up" I was in his recovery - just like how I was obsessed with his using. Sooooo.... I wonder if THIS time its about ME working on ME, and NOT about HIM. You know?
BUT.... Ann made me realize that he is still human (geesh), and that encouraging him is something I would do for someone I love -plain and simple. I had the attitude of "why should I congradulate him for doing something he SHOULD be doing!", just as I find it ridiculous to congradulate my children for NOT being bad... They just have to follow the rules, thats the way it goes! But, I suppose its a bit different.... when I imagined what it would be like to quit smoking again, even tho I would be doing it for ME, I would appreciate my husband cheering me on.
Ann... I HAVE been to open meetings a few times
; in fact I find them very helpful. I am always stuck for words when asked to speak however... somehow it doesn't seem "right" to talk of MY struggles with a room full of A's listening to my every word - what if I peeve them off?!!
. I DO see how it is helpful tho.... and how it might be encouraging to my husband to know that I WANT to share a little of his recovery.
I have read and heard many times of how the loved-ones can become very resentful of the time their A spends away from them; at meetings, program get-togethers etc.; thankfully, I have never felt resentment in this way. I KNOW how important his program is to him.... I won't stand in his way, and thats OK with me
. He is a very attentive father (when sober) anyway, so it kills him to be away from his family and kids for too long.
And yes... It IS about balance - seems so simple, but trying to make it work is difficult. My focus this week will be on ways I can encourage and be available to him... Somehow finding a way to STILL put myself first WITHOUT hogging the limelight
.
No Doubt... My husband gets in these moods too. And my typical reaction? "what the heck is up HIS as*!!?" I am trying VERY hard to NOT assume things and take it personally; after all, one of the best thing I have learned lately, is that we are ALL entitled to our feelings.... We may feel ANGRY at someone, but that does NOT mean it is their fault - feeling angry is OUR feeling, WE are responsible.
that is cute about your 5 yr old and the body glitter.... hmmm, do ya think she was trying to tell ya something?? MY 5 yr old does the most INSANE things when I am on the puter - last night he put his new hulk PJ's on and made himself a green mask out of paper
- he was doing his darndest to get my attention.
2many.... EXACTLY!
My husband seems to want sex as a "stress-reliever" as well! and the insane thing is that for ME to want sex, I have to be STRESS FREE! Last night, I asked him WHY he wanted sex so bad... he said "because it makes me feel good", quickly followed by "and because I love you!". Ha ha ha, stuck his foot in his mouth.
Taira... Thanks, you had some great advice.
There are no "alano" (?) clubs where we live (our town consists of barely 3000 ppl), but my husband and I have been exploring the things we can do together that don't involve alcohol. This year we joined a slo-pitch co-ed softball team together - its tons of fun! We are pretty busy with the kids as well... but every once in a while we'll get away for the weekend together, and drop the kids at grammas
.
It is so true how we are such different ppl lately... since he has been truly working his program and going to church, and I have been in Alanon and reading my books
, we have become the individuals we were MEANT to be. My husband always tells me how he is 13 again... the age he was just before he began drinking; this is where he has to BEGIN; so it is a HUGE learning process.
I am very hopeful that we still LIKE each other in a few years from now - it scares me to think that we were attracted to each other for the very reasons we are IN recovery now... Hopefully, we have enough invested in our love, respect and friendship for each other.
Thanks guys... WHEW!
Meg