I have so many experiences with the pain of suicidal emotions but what scares the crap out of me now is I will sometimes bypass the physical part, I will be just numb but I feel a relief because I know I can just do it....that's it! Over! I won't just take pills, I'll take all the pills and run in front of a truck. And I have started shakin gjust realizing what I was feeling. Sometimes it has been what gets me to the next day...saying to myself,,just wait til tomorrow you can do it then, I don't know I haven't been feeling myself, I know that getting clean after 20 years is a difficult thing for my emotions to accept and adjust to...but I get so scared here lately..what if I just snap and do it?? Is that like a part of my panic/anxiety disorder or that is that suicidal behaviour? I always feel so much guilt for feeling this way...I don't have anyone to call so I thought I'd post this here..I feel weird doing this where someone can read it, but I am trying to sort through all this and thought maybe this would be a good start. Thanks for listening.
Tammie