Dear Nutty,
As for the chicken or the egg thing, it is probably hard to tell. Only a qualified mental health care professional could answer that. Or maybe answer that. Probably one compounds the other, though.
Your approach to your problem is right on though. Not that you need my approval. I just to offer you encouragement. Are you attending meetings of The Al-Anon Family Groups? If that is none of my business, feel free to tell me so. I wish you well.
Jim