aloneagainor

I went to a meeting last night, not NA, but a women's support group affilitated with a drug treatment center...it's a place to be honest, and direct, a safe practice place to develop those missing elements from this addict's brain...

And there stated my ongoing, progressive situation, of hiding truth, hiding this addiction, hiding use, and why I think I do this. The dishonesty fuels the addiction, the addiction feeds the deception, the deception distorts the truth, the truth is buried under dishonesty, which prompts further desire for escape...and so on and around the vicious cycle goes.

In common consensus of the group was that I'm "settling". Settling for a life of avoidance, of limited potential, of chosen obsession and distraction. Resigning to a life of avoidance, so to not disrupt the home life, so not to hurt anyone's feelings, so not to have to endure whatever fallout might befall me should the truth of an ongoing drug addiction be known.

OR (!) am I settling so to protect the addiction???? Surprisingly no-one suggested that. Did they not see it, or did I actively hide that underlying desire from them, even in my attempts to be honest? Addicts are such masters of deception. Slaves TO deception. Deceiving even ourselves?