Hi again Tamatha,
My heart goes out to you.
It sounds like you are reaching a bottom yourself.
If you can, get yourself to an Alanon meeting. You are able to sit face to face with people experiencing the same emotional struggles... eventually, having a sponser, can be like having a lifeline. It is a god-send.
And perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your relationship with your A. Are your needs being met? And most importantly, has the relationship become destructive? I am not necessarily refering to any physical / verbal abuse, but rathar to what it brings to you. Sometimes we have to let go of relationships that inevitably will bring us more pain than happiness... And especially when they hinder our own recovery. We have the power to take care of ourselves, but sometimes we have to let go of more than we want to.
That being said, I want to tell you that I am in no way TELLING you to kick him to the curb; only you know when / if that is an option. And I KNOW that there is a way to continue to live with the A that I love so much... I have made it work for me. But only because I have set the boundaries that protect me and my children; because of my program; and because my relationship with my A does NOT hold me back - The moment the destruction returns, I will leave.
Tamatha, only YOU can decide what is best. But don't do it alone. Find a meeting, get a sponser... or if you chose a different route, find a support system that enhances your strength and soon you will be making the right decisions.
Take care
Meg