I'm new here
hi
My name is Jessica and I'm 20 years old. I really don't know why that I came here. I just feel so much pain right now and I needed to share it with people who actually understand me. My father is an alcoholic. He has been a heavy drinker for the past 13 years or so. About two years ago he tried to quit, and succeeded for about 9 months or so, and then started right back up. Since then it's been an off again on again ordeal. Right now it is unfortunately "on again". Today, he and my mother had a huge fight. It even became physical. Which, a few years ago, was something that I never would have even imagined would have happened in my home. We are a loving family. But, when my father drinks, I am fully convinced that he becomes a "demon" like creature that either lacks any love or compassion on my mother and I , or can't stop telling us just how much he loves us. Along with the alcoholism, my father is mentally ill. Mostly because of experiences he went through during childhood. He convinces himself that my mother has affairs with any and every man that she works with. Although my father is the only one that has been unfaithful in their marriage. He has cheated on her more times than I can count. MY mother and I cannot talk to each other privately when he's drinking because of his extreme paranoia that we'll mention him in our conversation. We have to hide our car keys everytime he drinks for fear that he'll try to take our vehicles away from him if there's a chance that we'll actually try and leave. Although he has went to counseling a few times before. He refuses to find any serious help with any of these problems and has the "I'll fix it myself" attitude. I just can't believe that I live in a home like this. A home where there is so much love and so much hate all at the same time. I am exhausted with living each day wondering whether he'll drink, or if he does drink, whether he'll start something with my mother and I . To top it all off, my father is wonderful singer and performer. He also puts on a glorious mask of charm and kindness. Because of this, anyone he sings or performs for practically worships the ground he walks on and badgers me to death about why I don't spend more time with him, or play any music with him. But when he's drinking, I'd cannot even stand to look at him, let alone talk to him or play music with him. I'm so sick of living like this. I just need someone to understand me.