Wow.. thanks
U guys are so right. And to be all "smart" about it, I KNEW in my heart what you guys would say...
I AM going thru huge changes. I used to want to be around people who partied and drank - u know, the outgoing types - because I found them attractive; they had what I DIDN'T have. These people attracted attention, and I got some of that while around them. Sure, friendships would develop, but I don't get out of it what I used to. I have realized that I am capable of attracting people, attracting attention just because I am ME.
But, I can't say it doesn't make me sad. Sad that these friends don't actually see the changes in me... or don't care to pay that close attention. Part of this healing and empowerment in my recovery, is proving my worth... but I am beginning to think I ONLY need to prove it to myself, and not everyone else.
So, here I am bawling my eyes out as I type this. This is HUGE for me. I KNOW I am important, of worth to this world... yet I hate that I still yearn for the attention. I am soooo emotional already...
I guess there is alot more to it as well (there always is
). Part of the whole "thing" with my daughter ties into all these self-esteem issues. When my Lauren was waiting for her heart transplant, and after we came home, so many people dropped by or called to check up. They cared about us, my daughter, about me. And I was told how strong I was! I was given this child as a GIFT, and I took such good care of her. I learned everything there was to know about her meds, her medical procedures, her general care. And she did so well... I was so extremely HAPPY every moment I had her, and loved that I was given this "job" as her caregiver.
And then she was GONE.
I was left feeling so empty. I had no goals to work towards in her life. I had no more of the attention and pats on the back for how strong I was... The phone calls and visits from friends dwindled off... the local TV and newspapers stopped checking up on our "miracle child"... It was just all GONE.
And the hardest part... the reason why I am choking back tears is that I am just realizing how important this little girl was to me, YET I thrived on the love and support I received from others BECAUSE of her.
I guess you could say that Lauren is STILL teaching me lessons about myself; about the world. She gave me the strength I needed to survive the tragedies. She also taught me how STRONG I am even without someone holding my hand. I am capable of surviving all on my own.
I miss her very much - I hope she knows how influential her little soul has been.
Thanks guys
Meg