yingyang

Hi everyone! I just found your message board and could really use some support.

I was concerned about my husbands drinking from the time I first started dating him 13 years ago, but it didn't get "bad" until about 6 years ago. Over the last 3 years it's become unbearable. I went to my first and only Alanon meeting 2 1/2 yrs ago after the police came to our house for a domestic disturbance. I could bearly make it through the meeting. As it happened I had my then 2 and 4 yr old with me.

My husband and I are both professional people. I've tried for the last 2 yrs to get him to get professional help. He just kept saying he could quit on his own. The ramifications of seeking professional help were more than he would ever consider - and to me that just meant he and his job were worth more than his family.

Things have been incredibly stressful and draining the last 3 yrs. It was all topped off with our second visit from the police resulting in a DUI, domestic battery, leaving scene of accident, etc, which put him in jail for 2 days (over Mothers Day). We had put our marriage in Gods hands weeks before that in a last hope effort of saving things. I have to think that this whole situation, as terrible as it's been, has been God's way of making him hit bottom and finally get help.

Three days after getting out of jail he went in for a 28 day treatment program. Tomorrow will be his halfway point.

I know he's making progress, and now more than ever I'm optimistic that he will quit... but now comes what I'm struggling with... what I'm starting to realize is part of being co-dependant.
I'm having a real tough time this last week figuring out what I'm feeling. Part of me is thrilled at the chance to start our lives and our marriage over again. At the same time, I had reached the point of being ready to walk out and had anticipated the relief a divorce would bring to my life. My job has had a project going on these last 2 weeks that has not allowed me to take time off and with everything that's happened I'm so emotionally drained right now. My mind is scattered and people notice that, but they have no idea what I'm dealing with. My dh doesn't want me to talk to anyone about any of this - he doesn't want anyone to know. Meanwhile I'm ready to explode with such a mass of emotional confusion! I just need to talk to someone who can listen and understand! When I talk to him on the phone, he's definately a changed man from the one I've known the last 2 years. His head is clear and focused. When I went to visit last week (20 hrs in the car w/ 2 small children - ARRGHHHHHH!) his eyes weren't glossed over and he was much more tolerant and calm. So many things LOOK good - but it's like my body refuses to let me accept this. He wants me to be positive when I talk to him. OK, fine, let me just forget all the hell he's put me through the last many years, let's forget all the drunken fights, the verbal abuse, the yelling at the kids, driving after drinking, etc, etc. I just can't do it.

I plan to go to my 2nd Alanon meeting tomorrow. Today I got the audio book (no time right now to sit down and read!) "Codependent No More". I'm hoping to find answers to what I'm feeling and what can give me some form of peace. I feel like I'm living an internal hell while trying to keep up the appearance that everything is normal.

Sorry this has gotten so long. I just needed to spill my guts a little - and you, in some form, happen to be here.

Thanks for listening. If you have any advice, PLEASE let me know!

p.s. - I'm going in for the family program next week. I've heard great things about it. I need great things right now.