Originally Posted by StandingStrong
I also discovered where ah gets his attitude! Not only did I discover it, I experienced it firsthand. Ah's father and I had a conversation the other day. It ended when I could not stand it anymore and walked away crying. His father talked to me just like ah does, tended to word things in a way that blamed me, avoided the issue at hand and only focused on one issue, he even grabbed my arm and held it at one point trying to stress his point, and he was arrogant!!!!! OMG, SO ARROGANT!!! I'll spare you details, but believe me, it was an eye opener - as well as just unbelievable on so many levels!!!! I don't know what he told ah about that conversation, but I did get an IM on the computer from ah that night and he was not happy! I didn't (and haven't) replied. The weird thing about this reality check is that I've always known that ah's father has this arrogant pride thing. I've never been close to him and I've not really ever had any respect for this man. I've always known that ah is somewhat arrogant - and he's even admitted that he dont/cant/wont swallow his pride to ask for any help, etc. so why did I not put this together before? And how in the world have I been in love with someone that is so much like his father - a man I knew to be arrogant, full of pride, and had no respect for!!!!!!! I can only believe that it was because I saw that good side of ah sometimes and it overshadowed the similarities. Or maybe because I always avoided ah's father since I didn't care for him, I never got to experience that side of him that sucks people in - cuz I'll bet you that he does that to people! Actually, with what I know of him and his wife's problems of the past, etc - (his dad was in a band, drank, had an affair, etc) - I'm betting that his Dad sucked his mom back in - just like ah has always sucked me back in. Ugh..........
Maybe what you are seeing is what I didn't know until I found myself dealing with my husband's alcoholism (my first real experience THAT I eventually KNEW OF). As it turns out, AH's father is an A from a long line of "functional" A's who look down-the nose-at "real" (what they call:"bad alcoholics") they just "like to drink". FIL said he didn't think AH was probably a "bad alcoholic" because he was never arrested for beating me or was fired (actually, not true---I just found out he was for inappropriate behavior w/ other employees smoking pot,snorting coke,???). Whatever....there is always a "reason" why any of them "have to drink" but it is always any reason but alcoholism in their minds........so be it. Those same attitudes are the problem that have evolved between me an AH (and I have to say we are in a very parallel position,SS). I have also seen them in his father; in fact they have caused a rift between the two of them for as long as I have known them (usually AH on the receiving side but now I see they are the same to each other). All this to say....he may have "learned" this from his dad, but I also think to an even greater extent, he inherited the genes of alcoholism from his dad that is probably the basis for the actions of both of them.....JMO. Not that it really even matters, but it is frustrating. There is alot of enabling going on in that whole family (the non-A, MIL is dead). Oh, btw FIL and his F were both (alcoholic/IVdrug-addicted) physicians.
Best of luck to you SS. Our situations are so very similar, except AH has basically just divorced me........still not dealing with ONE THING.........UGH!!!
(after 27 yrs! I am a 52yr old stay-at-home mom, my "baby" is in high school)
He is still-functional (?) at work and basically said he "wants to have fun".......(like that was an original idea of his!haha)
I will keep you in my prayers and I am glad you posted this. I will be anxious to see the other posts.
As you can tell, I am having a hard time "letting go" for many reasons....I did get a "new slant" on it earlier to day which seems to shift some of the personal part of it out of my heart a bit......but it tears me up what it is doing to all of us; especially our children. He just can not see it. Perhaps eventually that will be what will help him........time will tell. Losing a parent to death is hard enough (btdt) but to loose them while they are still alive is worse. JMO
(((SS))) I pray you have a sense of peace.