As usual, I'm sure my post is going to be long. Just thought I"d warn ya.
I'm having some major reality checks here lately. Haven't been posting as I've been thinking - but I have been reading here (and of course learning).
Ah and I have reached a new phase in our relationship. A place where I think that we both realize that things that are not going to change; therefore, it's a place where I think we both recognize that this marriage is over. It's a strange place to be really.
From my perspective, I do not see where too much has changed since ah has moved out. The things I had told him I wanted, needed, etc when he moved out if he wanted to come back have not been done. We have had some added chaos since he moved out. And meanwhile, over the 2 years we've been apart, ah has drank sporadically (he always was a binger), I believe that he has drove w/ my teenage son in the vehicle after drinking, he has lied to me, he has made promises and then broke them, he still is verbally abusive (only I've realized that I do it to him now as well). He still is financially irresponsible. Heck, he's irresponsible - period!!! He still avoids the issues at hand, which leads to the blame game (blames me) and the manipulation game (playing with my emotions) and the Guilt game (this is his absolute favorite I think) and he's very angry and very defensive. And while on the surface, he does nice things for me - he won't stand up and be a man and face the messes he's made nor will he do anything to clean them up. He is an avoider. He wants to leave the past behind and move forward. I say that I can't do that - especially when so much of the past is still happening; therefore it's really not in the past.
Of course, ah sees things entirely different. (And it's usually in a way of where the blame gets cast on me). I won't even share with you what he says. For one, it's not important. And for another, there may be SOME truth to what he says - but definately not enough to warrant his words as the truth of the situation. (But yes, that small part of the truth can make me feel guilty as all get out...you all know how that works.) Regardless, I have to remind myself of the things that have not changed.
I've had a lot of reality checks lately - not just about ah. I guess some have been also about life in general as well as other people in my life. I realized that I was avoiding and withdrawing again (I do this when ah is in my life), I have become toxic to my friends as most of the conversations with them have been all about ah and updates of the drama of the day.
Reality check of MY part and MY reactions in the saga. Embarrassing. I've also been reminded of the man I was seeing last year for awhile and how good he treated me and the kids. Have had people comment recently how it was during that time they had seen me at my happiest (and I know this is true. I was happy, didn't have the drama, had someone that treated me great, etc etc etc) And of course, my face is all broken out again which is the norm for stress - and I've been broken out ALOT this year since ah has been back in my life. Ugh....it's so sad.
I also discovered where ah gets his attitude! Not only did I discover it, I experienced it firsthand. Ah's father and I had a conversation the other day. It ended when I could not stand it anymore and walked away crying. His father talked to me just like ah does, tended to word things in a way that blamed me, avoided the issue at hand and only focused on one issue, he even grabbed my arm and held it at one point trying to stress his point, and he was arrogant!!!!! OMG, SO ARROGANT!!! I'll spare you details, but believe me, it was an eye opener - as well as just unbelievable on so many levels!!!! I don't know what he told ah about that conversation, but I did get an IM on the computer from ah that night and he was not happy! I didn't (and haven't) replied. The weird thing about this reality check is that I've always known that ah's father has this arrogant pride thing. I've never been close to him and I've not really ever had any respect for this man. I've always known that ah is somewhat arrogant - and he's even admitted that he dont/cant/wont swallow his pride to ask for any help, etc. so why did I not put this together before? And how in the world have I been in love with someone that is so much like his father - a man I knew to be arrogant, full of pride, and had no respect for!!!!!!! I can only believe that it was because I saw that good side of ah sometimes and it overshadowed the similarities. Or maybe because I always avoided ah's father since I didn't care for him, I never got to experience that side of him that sucks people in - cuz I'll bet you that he does that to people! Actually, with what I know of him and his wife's problems of the past, etc - (his dad was in a band, drank, had an affair, etc) - I'm betting that his Dad sucked his mom back in - just like ah has always sucked me back in. Ugh..........
Anyways, so far, ah and I have not had contact for only a short time. We've done this before.
I saw his picture in the newspaper the other day and I cut it out. It's sitting here on my desk face down. I have looked at it twice. Why? I'm not sure - perhaps a glutton for punishment. I look at that picture and I see
him! I see that ornery grin that I've known all my life. I see his face and I remember the love that I have for him as well as the love I've had for him in the past. I believe that when I look at that picture, I see the man I loved, that I've always loved. I see the person - not the man that he is now - the one he's become. (Though I even question who he ever really was at this point) But regardless - It hurts. I fear having to see him in person. There is something about him that makes me weak.
So, while I sit here and realize that ah is never going to change (at least now while he's with me)....it does hurt. But there is nothing to do but accept that this is the truth of the matter. It's a very strange feeling of relief though to see things clearly. To come out of that fog that I've been in for so long. I wrote out on paper THE WORDS...THE ACTIONS. The truth is right there regardless of how he sees it, regardless of how he denies it, etc. It is as it is.
Could use some prayers from you all to stay clear-headed. For strength to go on - strength for when I have to be in ah's presence as it makes me weak - and all of your support.
I've accepted it as it is - now I just need to learn to let him go. And that for me has always been my stumbling block.