You're right Nutz, gambling is a rotten stinking disease and I hate it too. I'm, in a way, fortunate that where I am there are no casinos yet I realize now I've been hanging on to the club. I also know if I went south the casinos would be tempting. I've got to and will sever my ties with the club...why flirt with danger.
I know my son hurts because of my gambling. He's grown tired of the promises I've made to stop. He doesn't understand that I couldn't just quit. He doesn't understand that I cannot gamble normally - heck he doesn't understand that I can't drink normally cause he didn't see me drinking. Yeah...other's get hurt. I've apologized and meant it. Now I just have to earn his trust. Time - feels like not enough of it and sometimes too much of it.
On payday I find myself getting excited because I have money to gamble. From the office to my house is a 5 minute ride or a 10-15 minute walk - sometimes that seems so far away. Once I'm home I feel safe and I fight the urge to go play. My patience is thin and the mood swings are bizarre. When it's past closing time - I relax. Shopping for groceries is now done on Sunday because the club is closed. Crazy making..lol.
I mentioned earlier that...
And the days in between...reality! Bills, bills, bills. Not enough of my paycheck to pay them all. I make the calls to those to let them know I will pay the bill next pay and I'm always shocked that they say...no problem, you're credit good with us. Then I realize that I'm making a mountain out of nothing.
When I look at my pay and my bills I panic...then the thought to double what few bucks are left over crosses my mind. Romancing the drink - the disease?!
I got tired of saying that I KNOW, I KNOW - I'd rather say I HAVE A GAMBLING ADDICTION. I have a love/hate relationship with gambling - the high and the low. I hate what it's done to me, to my son, to my life and to my home. I wanna stop for me. I want my life back. I want to move forward..not stay in the muck! I want to move towards sanity. They can keep the money - I'm not going to give up on quitting, they won't have me!
The relationship I was in was not a healthy one at all. The shame I felt then is still with me today which is why I think I need to work on forgiveness. I took responsibility for my part in the breakup - a choice I made for the both of us. It was simple he drank, I didn't. I care about this guy and hope all goes well for him - I just wish I didn't have to make a decision. Again I hate this disease we have.
I trusted then and I was more hurt because of my expectations - which I don't think was wrong for me to expect honesty. I didn't get what I needed so I withdrew and buried my loser thoughts in gambling. Funny...I thought gambling wouldn't be as bad as drinking. I can testify to the fact that we pick up where we left off. Just because I didn't drink didn't mean the disease was gone.
Yes I was devastated when I woke up and realized that I wasted thousands of dollars but I had to let that loss go. I accept that I'm not gonna get rich in this lifetime. I'm not kidding myself when I think that what's really important is ME and getting well. I'm a pretty sick person and I do hope and pray that the desire and compulsion to gamble leaves me soon. I'm sick of the thoughts that come with gambling...sick of it!!!
Til I get there my friend I'm gonna need mega tons of patience and prayers. Hope the others here are listening and pray for us too.
Keeping you in prayer Nutz...God bless and thanks for being there, I, for one, appreciate it.