How Do You Know When To Get Out?
Sorry in advance for the length of this! But I do need your help! Some of you have read my posts, but here's the "quickie" version. Married 14 years, 2 kids -- 7 and 4. I don't drink, but assumed my AH was the "normal" one, though in retrospect, I hated always having to drive after parties, would get stressed out if he was slurring his words, etc. didn't think he was an alcoholic, though, since this was not an everyday thing! after our son was born, he left me in the hospital bed to "celebrate" and have a drink down the street. i was sad but rationalized it by thinking, "i'm falling asleep, he wants to get out", etc. when i was about to deliver our daughter he insisted on going to his office xmas party and was still a little buzzed when he had to drive me to the hospital. why i didn't throw a fit, i don't know. yes, i do -- codie! 4 years ago he had me sign a power of attorney to refinance our mortgage for a lower rate -- turned out he cashed out $75k equity to pay off debts from a failed business. i found out a year later. said he couldn't tell me because i'd be too upset. then a dui for him, two couples shrinks, two shrinks for me, anti-depressants for me later, i found in december he was at it again -- using our equity line without telling me to float money for his business -- even though he knew it had devastated me the first time around. paid huge amex bill with equity -- bills were never sent to our house/never paid with household money -- when i demanded to see all bills huge amount was for bars and liquor stores -- oh and lots of charges for those "hangover" vitamins! i asked for divorce on 1/22. on 1/25 he announces he is an alcoholic, quits drinking, starts going to meetings daily (sometimes 2x), gets a sponsor, etc. he has been sober one month.
i went to al-anon meetings and was told repeatedly not to do anything for six months. so now we are in this limbo. i am so depressed. wearing my pjs, just feeling miserable. he has been bugging me to go on anti-depressants again, and now i am so miserable i have an appointment tomorrow. so here is my question -- this is a man i once loved, great father, loves me very much, he is very much against this divorce -- on the outside it all looks great -- nice house, cute kids, cute couple -- but i have no idea what to do. finished "codependent no more" today and know i have work to do. but here is my big codie question and i need outside perspective -- what if this is as good as it gets? what if love is not this shiny, pink thing? what if love is dirty and messy and patched up with tape in reality? what if as messed up as my relationship has been and as sad as i have become what i have is still pretty good? how do you know when it's time to get out? i've already crossed boundaries i thought i would never cross, codie that i am... what if everyone is flawed and now that he's sober it might all be different? he has said if we divorce it will be because of me, and the thought of affecting my kids in this way breaks my heart. i thought i did my homework -- talked to a lawyer, gave my speech, and then he threw in the alcoholic thing and it goofed everything up for me. i wish i had the clarity of an outside perspective. i know none of you can tell me what to do, but how bad does this seem? would you leave if you were me?