i really needed to vent. i have been doing nothing but crying for the past three days- and i have no idea why. i am about ten and a half weeks pregnant and in my second year of recovery. i have just recently changed sponsors and i am not regularly attending my home group- i am making lots of meetings- but i moved out of town from my home group so i only make it there about twice a week.
i have a six year old daughter that i lost custody of as a direct result of my dis-ease. i am suffering from the guilt of bringing another child into the world- i see my daughter every weekend, but i am scared that she will hate me for having another child who lives with me, while she can not. this guilt i have is tremendous and i'm having trouble with my third step.
i feel like i'm losing my mind. yesterday a commercial with an old lady was on- and i thought of myself being 60- i saw grandkids, but i didn't see my daughter- this sent me into a hysteria, i was crying for hours. the guilt is getting so strong that for the first time in a long time, i actually had a desire to use in the chance that i would miscarry. how sick am i? i can't wait to have this baby (or so i thought). i feel like a bad person, an evil woman, and a horrible mother. this all came so suddenly.
what the hell is wrong with me?
