I told him today that he needs to figure out who he is and what he wants out of life. At the same time, I need to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. Only then, can we start to figure out if those two individuals can make a life together.
I think this is a smart way to go about working on a relationship. Everything you said is so right on. My AH has said this to me and I realized that he was right (sad as it seems). Changing his behaviors will not really make me change the way I feel about him or our relationship. Our relationship will not suddenly blossom into something glorious. We have problems way beyond the drinking, but the drinking has only made those problems worse.