Tears of relief!!
Apologies for the second post but this belonged on it's own - I can't express how important it is to me, the relief hit me like a frieght train!!
The psychiatric nurse is keeping D's case open enough that he can contact her directly for help if things start to go down hill again. D said she's told him to contact her sooner rather than later if he thinks there's a problem - to me those words hold her intent which doesn't appear to be to drop him or put us through the *&^...%$ horrific process of failing to get any help!!
It never should have been my job, I never wanted it left with me - it was insane but the insanity wasn't ours, the insanity is when you have doctors say say to you to make decisions for someone else because you have a better chance of getting it right than they do and all referals are being refused. The insanity is when doctors wanted to sign me off work constantly while telling me they thought I was fine, in fact handling things very well but they wanted someone at home, someone to prevent our situation becoming a statistic. Insanity is when I cried at the doctors that I had no training, that I didn't know what to do, that all I knew was the stakes were high and would they PLEASE tell me how to help and got the reply 'we don't know either' 'you're doing good' 'you have more information than we can give you' 'we can't get him the help he needs'. Insanity is when you see your hubby BEGGING you to get him help, saying loud and clear in words and actions that he can't cope, when he willingly goes again and again but no help comes.
Maybe this nurse will leave her job - I don't bank on safety nets anymore; but right now, in this present, we have one! Right now, as I type I'm NOT the safety net!! I'M NOT THE SAFETY NET!!! FINALLY SOMEONE HAS TAKEN THAT ROLE!! Someone actually qualified to take it!
And guess who else is up for taking on roles?? D!!! Last time the CPN suggested he do a couple of personal development courses - D agreed but I think it was a bit much with all the other stuff he's tackled and he didn't actually go. Shes' suggested he still do the courses and this time D hasn't just agreed, I heard enthusiasm as he told me because HE wants to have more control himself, he wants it in him.
So currently I'm one of the most happily sacked peeps on the planet, I'm gloriously redundant in all the roles I never flaming wanted. Right now that's the reality and relieved don't cover it!! I'll take that safety net for however long we have it and take it with one huge whopping big smile!
I put the phone down from talking with D and cried, self pity? YES - unashamedly because no-one should have been put in that position and I deserve some compassion from myself for the impact it had on me. I remember my terrified posts here, I remember the responses where I think many people felt a little of the same - how can you help? How can you ignore? Knowing the help needed and knowing it isn't there.