Thank you all for your suggestions and support. Why is it that we always feel the need to hide valuable truths and facts about this disease from our kids? I know as mothers we really want to protect our kids, but in hindsight knowledge is power, isn't it?
I did broach the subject with my kids last night, I found an opening and I took it. Thank you to the most disfunctional family on TV - who would have thought The Simpsons would be good for anything but a groan? LOL
I think my daughter kind of expected it or had some kind of clues, but my son had no idea that his Dad was still drinking. He idolizes his Dad, made especially evident in the numurous ways he tried to get his attention over the years. To say he was crushed is putting it mildy, there were actual tears welling in his eyes. ( I ache for him now just as much as I did last night) I was quick to point out that it didn't mean that his Dad would 100% for sure drink while they were there. ( Mentally cursing the ex for not seeing this himself)
I also reminded them that IF he did drink, or if there was drinking going on in the house while they were there or something was going on that made them uncomfortable to call me of their best friend's Mom immediately. With either phone call my g/f will be there ASAP to take them out of there. I really wish I had a cell phone to send with them, but I don't have one, I will be making sure they each have a list of numbers and a phone card.
Something I wasn't clear on and thanks for bringing it up, I really need to go over the warning signs with the kids. Hopefully it won't confuse them more because they've always seen how erratic thier Dad's behaviour was, drunk or sober and probably can't distinguish the difference. The only real difference being that when he's drunk his behaviour goes to the extremes.
Case in point - a situation with him and our daughter last year that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
My G/F and her husband have a small acreage outside of town, thru out the summer the kids and I spent a lot of time there and between the 4 kids (my two oldest and her two) they'd spent a great deal of time learning to drive 2 quads. Occasionally my G/F and I took a turn and went off ourselves to a nearby gravel pit to play on the smaller hills.
On a day in late August as we were preparing to go out for a visit my ex (still hubby then) showed up unexpectedly early and asked to come too. The kids took turns on the quads when we first got there, just zooming around beside the house, then my G/F and I went for a short putt to the gravel pit and back. Then her hubby and mine decided to go for a spin, but my hubby told our daughter she was to go with him, I'm not crazy about doubling and said so, but my daughter was game and they went.
About 20 minutes later we heard them coming back, going very slow and cautiously, my G/F's hubby got back first and said we had a little problem. Hubby was about 2 minutes behind and as they were reaching the house he laughed and asked if there was a bandaid in the house cause S had a boo-boo. He was joking about it so I wasn't too worried til I got a good look at my daughter. She was mud head to toe and barely made it off the quad without falling. Hubby said Oh she's just making a big deal out of it, she just cut her finger. I looked at her and looked at him and asked him what had happened he said he'd tried to climb one of the hills and they'd fallen off. Meanwhile I was noticing scrapes, cuts and bruises as I was checking her out. Took her in the house and upstairs and checked her out thoroughly as well as to get her story. Once I saw how badly her WHOLE body was cut up and bruised I was furious, but I started to see red as she told what really happened.
He had picked the tallest and steepest hill in the quarry to climb, because Darrel was doing some daring stunts on his quad and hubby doesn't like to be over shadowed. When our daughter saw what he was about to attempt she told him to stop and let her off, he told her no way, she was being a chicken. So up they went, these things are NOT meant for climbing, they almost made it to the top and stalled out. As the quad started to flip over backwards my hubby bailed, leaving our daughter to tumble over and over with the quad to the bottom of the hill!!!!!! I told my daughter to have a quick shower and get some of the grime off the cuts and then I was taking her to the hospital and went downstairs. I went downstairs and in a complete rage, but eerily calm voice said we were leaving as soon as S was ready and that I would drop him off at the house on the way to the hospital. He started laughing and said I was being rediculous, there was nothing wrong with her and that if anyone needed to go it was him, he'd wrenched his knee. HOW SELFCENTERED and EGOTISTICAL could he be??? this is my ex 4 months sober and still not caring about anyone but himself. That was it BING! the light was on and there was no way I would stay and let my kids suffer any more hurt. Two days later I told him to move out and within 3 weeks had our agreement settled and signed, packed up what I could in a u-haul trailer behind the truck and the kids and I made the 3 day trek to ontario. One of these days I think this will turn into a book, I didn't mean to make this so long, but it just pours out at times. I'll shut up now
Much love and thanks,
Mysty