When we grow up with abuse it becomes synonymous with 'love' and we can become almost addicted to the drama and dance of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. We are attracted to, and attractive to those who grew up under the same culture and without that dynamic a relationship or life can feel very boring and in some cases even more stressful at first than living with the actual abuse. Its almost as if because we knew it so well when we were small that we need the same dynamic to feel alive and when that is missing we can feel very empty inside indeed.
For myself, it was only after I had left the relationship, dealt with the subsequent feelings and then spent considerable amount of time alone and watching myself become attracted to different men in the program that I realized that I was attracted over and over again to the same type of man--one who had serious anger management issues and dependency issues. Throughout those years, as I worked on myself I began to notice that I was becoming less attracted to these types and the ones that I would have in the past considered boring and unattractive were becoming more appealing.
One of the saddest and hardest things to realize when dealing with the effects of living with abuse is that they are very long and far reaching--affecting our children in years to come even after we, ourselves, have gotten help. Just as we have had to get 'help' from the affects and lessons learned from our abusive parents relationship(s), so too, will our children need help with dealing with what they learn from our screwed up relationships.
Tool, even though you miss this guy, I would hope that you will consider this long and hard when eventually he appears to want to be with you again. Because unless he is willing and able to get the help he needs to stop and look at his own behavioral problems, there is little hope that he will change even if he says he is. Just as you are having to go through hardships and hard times etc and look at your own stuff, so too does he if you want to ever live without abuse and to give your child a chance of a future without abuse being a dynamic that he/she has to heal from in years to come. I'm sure that you are more than aware now that you have no control over what someone else does so you are not responsible and did not 'make' him do any of those things to you--he chose to do them and chose to behave that way, just as he now chooses to blame you for his actions. I hope that you are able to cleave to your support in your area so that you don't go back with him no matter how lonely you get because I'm sure that if you think back, you will be able to remember many times when you were lonely even with him. Now, your on your own the loneliness just seems worse than before, but it likely isn't worse at all--it just seems like it. Leaving him was probably one of the most courageous things that you have done and it will take time, time and more time before you will likely be able to really appreciate this.
I wish you all the best and may Gods' love be with you and fill your loneliness with joy.