Another "Worst Night of my Life"
Well, here I am -- now I have moved over here to the Al-Anon forums since my husband is now off pills, but has been terrorizing me and ruining our life with drinking.
He was trying so hard. I really believe that. But then he started sneaking again, and I always know (the way we always know). Today we spent a great day riding our motorcycles, he was sober, I was hopeful. Things were looking up. Then tonight I smelled alcohol on his breath, and I acknowledged it and I told him I was not going freak out, I just went upstairs and worked on a project. He sat downstairs drinking and I could feel it in the air that the sh*t was going to hit the fan. The house got really quiet and when I went downstairs, he was sneaking out. I took his hands in mine and told him I am worried about him, he can't drive, he's drunk, he needs to stay home, I told him I'd drive him wherever he wanted to go. He said he was going for a ride on his motorcycle, and he began to get belligerent. I took the key out of his bike in a desperate attempt to not have him drive. He whaled me with his helmet (in my arm). Then he pop-clutch-started his bike and left.
He has done this so many times lately. Monday night he snuck out, wasted, came back even moreso. Thursday night he snuck out, same drill. I am tired of crying, so I don't even bother anymore. I can't take this life anymore. I am ready to leave him UNTIL he is sober again (he was sober for 12 years until this past September -- he also got a DWI, how's that for ironic? 12 years sober and two weeks drinking, then he gets a DWI.). Oh did I mention his license is suspended from the DWI?
He won't be home tonight. And I have the worst thoughts that he will go to jail or die tonight, and then I have even worse thoughts of RELIEF if either of those happen. Am I a horrible person for thinking this way? This is the man I married, the best guy on earth, who turned into an absolute monster. I will NOT bail him out again, I will not take a cab to the impound and pay to get his bike out again, I will not get him a lawyer again, I will not pay one cent to help him EVER AGAIN.
How can I spend another night like this? I hate him so much. And I know he will get sober again, but I can't take any more. Not ONE bit.
I am at a loss here. I wish I could go to a friend's house (we're new in town and I don't know anyone yet). I wish I could go to a hotel but I have two dogs -- one's a puppy. Tommorrow morning I have to oepn the store that we own together.
I want to separate but it seems logistically impossible. Whenever I try to discuss separating, he says he isn't going anywhere--what do you do when they say that? I have been here going through this for way too long -- that's why part of me hopes he just goes to jail or never comes back -- then I won't have to figure it out.
I know he is caught in a very serious addiction and when he drinks, he has absolutely no rational thoughts. I DO believe he wants more than anything to be sober again. He did it once, he can do it again, but it is much harder for him this time and I am not taking that as an excuse or justification. I know, when he is sober for almost two weeks (he is in a two week cycle now -- every two weeks he fals off the wagon), that he is hopeful and believes he can do it. Then it all goes to sh*t.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? How I can I change MY life and not be a part of this nightmare anymore??? Does anyone have any ideas?
Sorry if I rambled. I'm just so confused and heartbroken.