Hi,
Thanks for the messages.
I do want to stop drinking. I can control my drinking, it's just not very easy for me. I mean, if I am in a social situation where I shouldn't drink very much typically I don't. I think that is mostly out of embarrasment. And if I am at a dinner or something where other people are not drinking, I certainly won't drink either. I don't want to risk drinking too much and becoming drunk in front of other people, especially my family, because I would be ashamed of what they think of me. It has happened a few times, and every time it embarrased me so deeply that now I will only have 1 or 2 drinks maximum if I am around other people.
I don't want anyone to know how much I drink because I am ashamed of it. I don't go to bars or drink in public often. I am a painter, so what I do is lock myself up in my studio at night and drink a bottle of wine or sometimes more. I never used to be able to get through a bottle of wine to open the next bottle until fairly recently. And I rarely get hangovers anymore. And occaisionally I black out (have spotchy memories of what I was doing right before I finally went to bed, I think this is blacking out right?). So this is obvious that my drinking is progressing and is on a rapid track to becoming out of control. I have never become drunk to the point where I passed out, or did strange things in public and other people told me about it the next day, but I feel that will definitely also happen if I contunue to drink! I am ashamed and embarrased that this is happening. I don't want to tell anyone in my family or my friends that I do this, secret drinking. I am so ashamed. I want to stop this secret drinking before everything begins spiraling out of my contol to the point where I am physically addicted to alcohol, and drinking in the middle of the day, or in front of other people. That frightens me that the drink may start controlling me and I might start doing things in public that shame me. I think if I continue to drink in secret like I do, it won't be able to be a secret forever!
Plus, I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel anymore. I have noticed I don't enjoy a pleasant "buzz" like I used to. I am just suddenly drunk, I can't achieve that happy medium that I used to have. I don't like that I feel yucky in the morning. I don't like that it takes away my motivation to paint and to exercise. I don't like that I have gained some weight due to drinking in the evenings instead of exercising like I always used to.
I don't have access to AA right now, because of where I live, but I would like to read the "big book". I would also like to read these books you suggested, Carol, I will look on Amazon for them.
I am also a little frightened that we will have to move back to europe because my husband's work visa has expired and he is having trouble finding a new job, someone who is willing to be patient while we reapply for a visa adjustment. I think if that happened I would become really depressed and that would make me want to drink so much I couldn't resist.
Thanks for all your words and advice.